Category Archives: Jokes

Inbound Jokes – Heads Up!

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More Laughs From R.J. Johnson

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– The Boeing Dreamliner has a new slogan: Is something burning?

– The flu is so bad, I saw Willie Nelson putting Sudafed in his bong water.

– It was so cold, people were flying the Boeing 787 Dreamliner just to feel the warm smoke filling up the cabin.

– Workers in Chicago found 18 human heads at O’Hare Airport. The good news? No fighting over the arm rest.

– Workers at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport found 18 human heads in a box. And they charged each one 10 bucks for a pillow.

– Workers at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport found 18 frozen human heads in a shipping box and their paper work was all messed up. You know why it was messed up, don’t you? They’re numb skulls.

 

 

The Jokes of January

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The Jokes of January

From R.J. Johnson

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– I saw “Beasts of the Southern Wild.” Not the movie.

The main ingredient in the McRib sandwich.

 

– In Maricopa, Arizona a three-year-old boy saved his mother’s life by waking her up during a fire at their home. Good luck trying to get this kid to go to bed at night. “Remember the flames that didn’t kill you? Hello?”

 

– Politicians are talking about minting a trillion dollar coin so they can continue to spend your tax money. The coin has a simple design. Heads you lose. Tails you lose.

 

– The symptoms of the flu are headaches, nausea, vomiting and telling people you want to just sleep and be left alone. Which is also what Hugh Hefner’s bride told him on their honeymoon, if I’m not mistaken.

And finally…

– KFC apologized to customers in China because of certain chemicals in their chickens that might be a health problem.

On the other hand, we’re still waiting for an apology from China for all that poisoned toothpaste and drywall they sent over here, so things kind of even out.

 

 

More New Year’s Fun From R.J. Johnson

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– A pet chicken in Wisconsin warned a family about a fire that burned their house to the ground. He was a rooster. Now he’s a roaster.

– A woman in Florida got arrested for punching, scratching and hitting her boyfriend with a stick because he only cared about himself when they had sex. But he has a great excuse.

He’s a guy.

– Vice President Joe Biden played a big part in getting Congress to avoid the Fiscal Cliff. The bad news?

He wants a promotion.

– Alabama beat Notre Dame 42 to 14. 42 and 14? The last time I heard numbers like that in college football, Jerry Sandusky hadn’t been arrested yet

And finally….

– Did you watch “Downton Abbey”? Wow, they make bad investments, they lose the family fortune, the servants have to be laid off and they might have to give up their huge ritzy mansion. Talk about Mitt Romney’s worst nightmare, “Turn it OFF!”

 

 

 

 

 

New Year Greetings!

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From

R.J. Johnson

– It’s January 2013. Or as the Mayans say, “Hey, don’t rub it in, OK!

– A man in Tunisia died after eating 28 raw eggs as part of a bet. You know what they call poking fun at this, don’t you?

A bad yolk.

– In China, they passed a law that forces adult children to visit their parents or their parents can sue ‘em. And you thought your relatives were annoying over the holidays.

– MTV has a reality show about nine young people in West Virginia called “Buckwild.” Every time a girl throws up, Snooki gets a royalty.

And finally…

– The people who make Spam bought Skippy Peanut Butter. Great, now you can eat the strangest food product of all time and it will stick to the roof of your mouth, too.

 

 

Holiday Laughs From R.J. Johnston

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 Holiday Laughs

R.J. Johnson

-Santa and his elves are busy at the North Pole making sure everyone gets at least one gift for Christmas. Or as politicians on the extreme right call that, “More people looking for free stuff.”

– It’s chilly out there! It’s so cold, Hillary Clinton said her brain froze and she can’t testify about what happened in Libya.

– It was so cold, Tim Tebow slept with his girlfriend just for the body heat.

– A woman in Sweden has been been convicted of having sex with a skeleton. Her biggest complaint. Not a lot of pillow talk.

– Times are tough out here during the holidays. It’s so bad, the Octomom had to use her own eggs to make Egg Nog.

– I watched the latest episode of Gold Rush. Not the TV series. Hugh Hefner’s fiancé planning her wedding day.

And Finally…

– You know how people stopped the Mayans from ending the world, don’t you? They called Aztec support.

Christmas Shopping For Laughs

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by R. J. Johnson

 

– I saw an old butterball during the Thanksgiving holiday. Michael Moore.

– Sunday we had the Hollywood Christmas Parade. This is when we march all of our out-of-town relatives down the street and to the airport.

– Shots were fired at a Target store in Colorado. Wow, it’s bad enough shopping at Target, now you can become one, too.

– I don’t want to jump to conclusions but shopping is just way too crazy when the “clean-up on aisle 6” could be you.

And…

1) There was so much shooting at Target and Walmart they now have a loading dock and a reloading dock.

 

 

More Powerful Than Obama’s Drone Fleet…

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November Joke Bombs From R.J. Johnson

– Gas pumps in L.A. have a new slot at the pump.

To take your soul in payment.

– Home sales are up in L.A. The bad news? People are selling their houses to buy a tank of gas.

– On this day in 1996, the Fox News Channel first aired on cable TV. Actually, their original name was the BBC: The Bleached Blonde Channel.

– Arnold Schwarzenegger said after his marriage fell apart, he’s a changed man. Well, except when he was Governor and he changed from a Republican to a Democrat. But that’s another story.

– Things are so bad for Lance Armstrong when he goes to Disneyland, all the Seven Dwarfs are named Dopey.

And finally….

– The country of Senegal has a TV show to find the prettiest sheep. As long as it’s not called “The Bachelor,” it’s fine by me.

 

After Thankgiving Jokes from R.J. Johnson

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– There’s a new show coming to the Discovery Channel called “Amish Mafia.” Which is much better than the original title: Godfellows.

– There’s a new show coming to the Discovery Channel called “Amish Mafia.” It like the regular Amish only in this version when a barn burns down it’s for the insurance.

– The guy who is the voice of Elmo on “Sesame Street” left the show because of an alleged sex scandal with a younger man. And you thought you had questions about Bert and Ernie!

– No more Hostess Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs.

Or as Pot Heads call that, “The Three Food Groups.”

– Showtime is developing a new series called “Fame Whore.” Which was also the password that got women in to meet Gen. Petraeus, if I’m not mistaken.

And…

– You’ve got Gen. Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, another General and a woman in Tampa who claims she had some kind of a relationship with all of them. It’s so bad, even Gloria Allred was saying, “Don’t call me!.

 

 

 

End of October Jokes From R.J. Johnson

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– The White House has a new campaign slogan for Libya: 
Hope and Change Your Story.
 
 
 –  Mitt Romney caused a bit of a stir when he used the phrase, “having a binder full of women.”  Bill Clinton’s response?  “I like this guy!”
 
 
–  A dog in France survived after being poisoned and buried alive after someone saw the ground moving and dug him up.  
Or as they call that in North Korea, the Fall harvest.
 
 
– The nearby city of Eagle Rock had a recent election and some people were offered free marijuana to vote.  Voters who were offered the free pot came in three types: The Far Left.  
The Far Right.  And the Far Out.
 
And….
 
–  According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, women can use frozen eggs to get pregnant.  
You know what they call the father of a frozen egg, don’t you?  A  Pop-sicle.

What Are You Laughing At?

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Dan O’Shannon hits the turf at Skylight Books in Hollywood and gives an excellent slide show that goes deeply into the mechanics of humor.  What is funny?  Why is a joke or bit funny one time and not another?  What makes the comedic event?  A television writer on many of the greatest comedy shows like Cheers, Dan knows humor and his new book is a  very detailed study of humor and comedy, not a collection of jokes.  This is serious study for anyone who wants to approach the subject of writing for movies, television, or even for stand-up acts.  Check out the event:

Skylight Books still has some signed copies of the book, click here:  Buy Book