Summer Fun

Have a Chuckle and Forget That Heat Rash

Summer Jokes from R.J. Johnson


– People in New York are paying $180 for a bird poop facial. Or they can just stand under a statue in Central Park for free.

– MTV is producing a reality show about a group of virgins who may or may not have sex. Or as we used to call that, Prom Night.

– Paula Dean turned down “Dancing With the Stars.” But she has a new show, “How I Met Yo Mama.”

In London they found a 15 ton blob of congealed fat in a sewer pipe. Or as English cooks call that, the all-you-can-eat buffet.

– The guy and girl from the popular country group The Civil Wars broke up and they are so angry The Civil Wars aren’t even talking to each other. The really bad news? They’re starting a new group. The Vietnam.

– A man in South Africa saved his dog first before swimming back to save his wife after their yacht sank in the ocean. Actually, they have a name for married men who do that: Celibate.

– Mexico has gone ahead of the U.S. when it comes to having the most obese people in the world. And they’ve already declared a day of celebration: Sinko de Fatso

– Netflix has a new TV series called “Orange is the New Black.” Sounds more like a John Boehner rap album, doesn’t it?

– According to Variety, Apple is coming out with a device that will skip over TV commercials. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a bathroom, right?

– Liz Cheney is running for the Senate in Wyoming against another Republican named Sen. Michael Enzi. They’ve agreed to three debates, two press conferences and one hunting trip.

And finally…

A man in Tennessee is suing Apple Computers.  He said the company causes a porn addiction, sexual arousal and drives men to prostitution. The good news for the guy? He’s now legally eligible to run for any office he wants in New York City.


Lift the June Gloom with jokes from R.J. Johnson

June Gloom Be Gone

by R.J. Johnson

– There are now dating sites for Star Trek fans. Their favorite pick-up line? “Your parent’s basement or mine?”

– On the news, they said prisoners ask O.J. Simpson to negotiate problems between the prison gangs. And if there’s one guy who knows how to talk to a bunch of cut throats, it’s O.J. Simpson.

– Pres. Obama warned Americans that materials on the Internet can influence people to commit terrorist acts. And people on Craig’s List were shocked. “All the STDs aren’t bad enough? Now this?”

– ABC has a new series called “Mistresses.” I like the original title better: “Hawaii Five-Ho.”


– Scientists say they’ve found the plant disease that caused the great potato famine in Ireland in 1845. And just in time.

Those people have got to be really hungry.




April Fool From R.J. Johnson

Some April Ticklers

They found donkey meat in hamburgers in South Africa. Actually, you can buy them at a new fast-food place over there, Jackass in the Box.

– We just had St. Patrick’s Day. Jodi Arias got so excited she shot a leprechaun.

– Pres. Obama said when it comes to using drones, he’s no Dick Cheney. Sure, when Dick Cheney wants to hunt Americans he just uses his shotgun.

Montana is working on a law that would let people take road kill home for dinner. You know the biggest complaint about eating road kill, don’t you? It tastes a little flat.

– Did you see the blizzard in Washington, DC? It’s so white, Republicans thought it was still the Reagan Years.

And Finally….

This year, people ran the Los Angeles Marathon on St. Patrick’s Day. Or Sinko de Vomit as we like to call it.



Lookout Caesar! It’s March 15th!

Caesar ides of marchThe Whole Roman Empire is Laughing at R.J. Johnson’s Ides of March Jokes!

– Pres. Obama said when it comes to drones, he’s no Dick Cheney. Sure, when Dick Cheney wants to shoot an American, he just takes him hunting.

This month we have St. Patrick’s Day, Spring Break and March Madness all at the same time. We’re going to need a White House bailout just to clean up the vomit.

– H&R Block messed up 600,000 tax returns. And right away Wesley Snipes is yelling, “And they put me in jail?”

The Chicago medical examiner’s office is posting photos of unclaimed dead bodies on their website so people can help identify them. It’s like eHarmony just cheaper to date.

And finally

– 6,000 dead bloated pigs have been found in a river in China. Or as they call that in North Korea:  soup.



Inbound Jokes – Heads Up!

More Laughs From R.J. Johnson


– The Boeing Dreamliner has a new slogan: Is something burning?

– The flu is so bad, I saw Willie Nelson putting Sudafed in his bong water.

– It was so cold, people were flying the Boeing 787 Dreamliner just to feel the warm smoke filling up the cabin.

Workers in Chicago found 18 human heads at O’Hare Airport. The good news? No fighting over the arm rest.

– Workers at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport found 18 human heads in a box. And they charged each one 10 bucks for a pillow.

– Workers at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport found 18 frozen human heads in a shipping box and their paper work was all messed up. You know why it was messed up, don’t you? They’re numb skulls.



More New Year’s Fun From R.J. Johnson

– A pet chicken in Wisconsin warned a family about a fire that burned their house to the ground. He was a rooster. Now he’s a roaster.

– A woman in Florida got arrested for punching, scratching and hitting her boyfriend with a stick because he only cared about himself when they had sex. But he has a great excuse.

He’s a guy.

– Vice President Joe Biden played a big part in getting Congress to avoid the Fiscal Cliff. The bad news?

He wants a promotion.

– Alabama beat Notre Dame 42 to 14. 42 and 14? The last time I heard numbers like that in college football, Jerry Sandusky hadn’t been arrested yet

And finally….

– Did you watch “Downton Abbey”? Wow, they make bad investments, they lose the family fortune, the servants have to be laid off and they might have to give up their huge ritzy mansion. Talk about Mitt Romney’s worst nightmare, “Turn it OFF!”






Holiday Laughs From R.J. Johnston

 Holiday Laughs

R.J. Johnson

-Santa and his elves are busy at the North Pole making sure everyone gets at least one gift for Christmas. Or as politicians on the extreme right call that, “More people looking for free stuff.”

– It’s chilly out there! It’s so cold, Hillary Clinton said her brain froze and she can’t testify about what happened in Libya.

– It was so cold, Tim Tebow slept with his girlfriend just for the body heat.

– A woman in Sweden has been been convicted of having sex with a skeleton. Her biggest complaint. Not a lot of pillow talk.

– Times are tough out here during the holidays. It’s so bad, the Octomom had to use her own eggs to make Egg Nog.

– I watched the latest episode of Gold Rush. Not the TV series. Hugh Hefner’s fiancé planning her wedding day.

And Finally…

– You know how people stopped the Mayans from ending the world, don’t you? They called Aztec support.

Christmas Shopping For Laughs

by R. J. Johnson


– I saw an old butterball during the Thanksgiving holiday. Michael Moore.

– Sunday we had the Hollywood Christmas Parade. This is when we march all of our out-of-town relatives down the street and to the airport.

– Shots were fired at a Target store in Colorado. Wow, it’s bad enough shopping at Target, now you can become one, too.

– I don’t want to jump to conclusions but shopping is just way too crazy when the “clean-up on aisle 6” could be you.


1) There was so much shooting at Target and Walmart they now have a loading dock and a reloading dock.



Bazooka Howls for September 30


R. J. Johnson


– The White House has a new slogan about the attacks in the Middle East: Hope and Change Your Story.

– The economy is so bad, people are joining Romney’s 47% just for the ritzy life style.

– Monica Lewinsky is getting 12 million dollars for a book on Bill Clinton. The last time there was this much talk about Monica and Bill, Hillary Clinton got a Senate seat.

– According to a study at the University of Amsterdam, having sex makes your brain grow and you get smarter. Paris Hilton gave the rebuttal.

– A chef in L.A. who killed his wife and slow-cooked her body in a barrel of hot water has been convicted of murder. The reaction from his lawyer? “That’s a crock!

And finally…

So long from Hollywood, where contempt breeds familiarity.



Bazooka Blasts for September 22, 2012


R.J. Johnson

–  The White House has a new slogan: Hope and Boy Did Things Change in the Middle East.
–  Weather experts say Death Valley is the hottest place on the entire planet.  The second hottest place?  Any American flag in the Middle East.
–  What a warm weekend.  It was hotter than a Lebanese KFC during a Death to America riot.
–  It’s so hot, people were trying to find Nemo just to take a cool  dip in the ocean.
– It was so hot in Arizona, even white people were sweating when the cops pulled ‘em over.
–  It was so hot in Egypt, American flags were burning by themselves.
–  It was so hot, the Royal family got naked and told photographers, “Take our picture.  Who cares?”
–  Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year.  And I got invited to a bad Jewish New Year’s Eve party by the President of Iran.
It’s BYOB.  Bring your own bomb.
 And finally….
–  Pres. Obama is ahead in a number of polls.  The bad news?  Norway called.  They want their Nobel Peace Prize back.