We, The Sheeple
WE, THE SHEEPLE
EXT. THE PARK—BRIGHT SUNNY DAY
Various groups of people are gathered at the park engaged in different activities. A young man and woman toss a Frisbee back and forth, as another couple are sitting on a blanket sharing a sandwich. Others are strolling along enjoying the beautiful day: Some with pets, some without. The HEAVY BREATHING of a jogger can be heard as the CAMERA PICKS UP a 30ish, slightly overweight man, FRED WILSON, who appears to be working up a sweat. He approaches another thirty-something man, PETER JONES, who is walking a dog. He stops to greet his good friend and work colleague.
Subtitle reads: Peter, how’s it going?
B-A-A-A! B-A-A-A-A-A-A… B-A-A-A?
Subtitle reads: Terrific! Sure is a gorgeous day, isn’t it?
Subtitle reads: It most certainly is. How’s the wifey-pooh?
A dreamy look adorns Peter’s face. It’s obvious he’s a happily married man.
Subtitle reads: She’s just fine. Fred, I honestly think I’m the luckiest man in the world.
Fred responds with a friendly pat on Peter’s back, and then attempts to pet his friend’s pooch. The dog does not comply but instead BARKS.
(puts index finger to lips)
Subtitle reads: Hush, Fido! Or I won’t give you a treat when we get home.
Fido obediently quits barking. Peter gives the dog a pat on the head, then turns to Fred.
Subtitle reads: I’m not sure what’s wrong with him. He’s been acting a little strange lately.
It’s like his panties are on too tight.
Fred attempts to pet the dog once again. Fido responds the same as before and BARKS.
Subtitle reads: What’s wrong, fella? Would you rather wear a pair of loose boxers?
Fido BARKS again and Fred shakes his head to mean “Poor, doggie.”
Subtitle reads: I was just watching CNN. Did you hear that the Federal Reserve is considering
removing IN GOD WE TRUST from all paper money?
Subtitle reads: No… You’re kidding, right?
Subtitle reads: I’m not kidding. They plan to replace it with IGNORANCE IS BLISS. What
do you think about that?
Fred takes a moment to reflect before responding.
Subtitle reads: I guess it would be more fair to the atheists. Can’t imagine how much turmoil
they must be in every time they look at a dollar bill.
Peter stares at his friend with a look of amazement.
Subtitle reads: Wow, that’s the same thing Ethyl said. You know her father’s an atheist, bless
his heart. I actually watched him rip a twenty dollar bill into shreds once.
Subtitle reads: You don’t say?
Subtitle reads: I most certainly did. Did you know he’s a staunch advocate for a universal
microchip? Get rid of that goddam green stuff altogether.
(nods in agreement)
Subtitle reads: That’s not a bad idea. All those stinking germs… Sometimes I hate touching the
Subtitle reads: That reminds me. The CDC is predicting a horrific epidemic of the Evian flu.
Subtitle reads: Hell, yeah… They say it’s going to strike one in two people who drink Evian
Subtitle reads: I never touch the stuff. I’m strictly a Smart Water guy. And you know my I.Q.
has increased nearly ten points since I started drinking it.
Peter gives him an impressive look as well as a thumb’s up. Fred volleys back with a cocky head gesture.
Subtitle reads: Yep… I’ve gone from the mid-70s all the way up to the mid-80s.
Subtitle reads: No kidding?
Subtitle reads: Just last week I got slightly more than one-quarter of TV Guide’s crossword
puzzle answers right. That’s a whooping fifty percent! Not bad, eh?
Peter gives Fred an exuberant “HIGH-FIVE” as the pooch wags its tail.
B-A-A-A-A! B-A-A-A… B-A-A-A-A?
Subtitle reads: That’s freakin’ awesome! What’s next for you… Wheel Of Fortune?
Subtitle reads: In my dreams… Do you know how much I love that show?
Subtitle reads: I know, I know… You constantly give me daily updates at work.
As a female jogger approaches, Fred BLEATS in a hushed tone.
Subtitle reads: Peter, can I tell you something? And you promise never to repeat it to my wife?
Peter holds up the index and middle finger of his right hand as the female jogger passes by.
Subtitle reads: Scout’s honor.
Fred wipes his brow and takes a conspiratorial look around before saying…
Subtitle reads: I think Pat Sajak is one very sexy son-of-a-bitch…
Subtitle reads: That’s no great revelation. I think every man in America feels that way!
Fred takes another look around before continuing.
Subtitle reads: Peter, if I were gay Pat Sajak would be at the top of the list of the men I’d want
to sleep with.
Fido BARKS at this confession and happily wags his tail.
Subtitle reads: Fred, what are you saying? Are you… gay?
Subtitle reads: Well…no… But I did have a recent dream that Pat Sajak and I met up at a seedy
leather bar in West Hollywood. Talk about morning wood!
Fido begins to hump Fred’s leg.
Subtitle reads: Down boy!
The dog heeds the command as another jogger goes by. Fred gives the pooch a nice friendly pat on the head as Peter looks at his watch.
Subtitle reads: Well, got to get going. I promised the wife dinner at Marie Callender’s.
Subtitle reads: I love that place! Hey, you’re not going to mention the dream to my wife–
Subtitle reads: I’m not a frivolous liar, Fred. When I say “Scout’s honor” I truly mean it.
Subtitle reads: I know. Thanks for being a great friend!
Fred gives the pooch another pat on the head. The dog wags his tail ecstatically.
Subtitle reads: And you enjoy that delicious treat when you get home…
Fred gives Peter a friendly hug as they exchange good-byes.
Subtitle reads: You tell that lovely wife of yours I said “hello.”
Subtitle reads: I will. And next time you have a wet dream starring Pat Sajak, give him my
Subtitle reads: Will do. See you at work Monday morning.
Fred jogs away in one direction, as Peter and Fido walk away in the other direction. The CAMERA PICKS UP an older MARRIED COUPLE strolling along hand-in-hand as Fred jogs past them.
Subtitle reads: I love you, Gertrude…
Subtitle reads: Did you renew your Viagra prescription, Bunny Rabbit?
(with a lecherous wink)
Subtitle reads: What do you think?
They both stop dead in their tracks and share a long, passionate kiss and embrace.
Subtitle reads: Who’s your sexy mama?
The old man reaches around and grabs her ass.
Subtitle reads: I think we both know the answer to that one…