Breakfast With Jesus Freaks

Breakfast With Jesus Freaks

by
“Five”

 FADE IN:

EXT. BEACHWOOD DRIVE – MORNING

 

Two 20-something, casually-dressed young men, each carrying a bible, walk along the sidewalk and approach an apartment building. HENRY, short and stocky, pushes the doorbell button at the first apartment, but no sound emits as RYAN, tall and lanky, glances at his wristwatch.

 

RYAN

Henry, do you hear anything?

 

HENRY

No.

 

RYAN

Doorbell’s probably broken.

 

HENRY

I think you’re right, Ryan… And that’s why God

gave us knuckles.

 

Henry KNOCKS on the door. They wait…

 

HENRY

What time is it?

 

RYAN

Eleven-eleven.

(checks his watch again)

Yep, eleven-eleven.

 

Henry KNOCKS on the door again. They continue to wait…

 

RYAN

Well, shall we scooter to the next sinner’s

abode?

 

Henry puts his ear to the door… hears nothing.

 

HENRY

Let’s do it!

 

As the two men walk away from the apartment, the door slowly opens. A disheveled and suspicious man’s head pokes out of the door. His name is MAXWELL, 60ish, a night person who enjoys sleeping in. Ryan and Henry stop dead in their tracks.

2.

 

 

MAXWELL

Why are you two guys waking me up this

early? Do you realize it’s not even noon?

 

HENRY

(approaching slowly)

Sir, we apologize.

 

RYAN

Yes, we’re both very sorry. I hope you’ll

accept our apology.

 

MAXWELL

That’s all well and good, but you haven’t

answered either one of my questions.

 

The two bible pushers exchange an uneasy look at one another as the old man opens his door wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. He cocks his head in anticipation of an answer.

 

RYAN

Well, sir, it’s a bit past eleven-eleven and

we’re here to share the timeless gospel of

Jesus Christ.

 

HENRY

(inches closer to the old man)

Sir, have you been saved?

 

Ryan follows his lead, inching closer to the man’s door.

 

MAXWELL

Saved?

 

HENRY

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your

personal savior?

 

MAXWELL

(a bit confused)

What century is this?

 

RYAN

(looks at his watch)

The twenty-first, sir.

 

The old man takes a deep breath and slowly exhales. He smiles at the two young men.

3.

 

MAXWELL

That’s what I thought. I just had to make

sure. I’ve been having these weird dreams

lately and… forget it. Would you two like to

join me for a hearty bowl of cereal? Cap ‘N

Crunch or Count Chocula… Your choice?

 

Ryan and Henry exchange another uneasy look.

 

HENRY

We’ve already had breakfast, sir.

 

Ryan nods in agreement.

 

MAXWELL

Oh really? What did you have?

 

RYAN

An egg McMuffin… sir.

 

MAXWELL

Ahh, Mickey-Dees… Thank God and Mother

Mary for them golden arches! What would

this world be without them?

(a rhetorical pause)

How about something to drink then… O-J?

Earl Grey? No coffee, though. Can’t stand

the smell of it. And besides, I think it could

very well be… The Devil’s brew! So, what

do you say?

 

Maxwell scratches his privates, then opens the door wider to invite them in. Ryan shoots a quick nod at Henry.

 

HENRY

Sure!

 

The two young men take a step forward. Maxwell holds up his hand and stops them in their tracks.

 

MAXWELL

Wait! One condition: You two have to knock

it off with that “Sir” crap. My navy days are

forty years behind me and as far as I know, I

have yet to be knighted by Queen Lizardbreath,

or whatever her name is. Deal?

 

Henry and Ryan both nod.

4.

 

INT. MAXWELL’S APARTMENT

 

As the old man leads his two guests, with bibles in hand, to the dining area.

 

MAXWELL

Have a seat. I’ll be right back after I take

care of a some urgent business.

 

Henry and Ryan take a seat at the table as Maxwell scurries to the bathroom to relieve himself. The two men look around at the unkempt surroundings. Among them are piles of dirty laundry, hundreds of books, magazines, empty beer cans, etc. On the walls are three disturbing, poster-size images: A closeup from the Zapruder film of the kill shot to JFK’s head, the famous picture of RFK lying on the floor of the Ambassador Hotel’s kitchen moments after his assassination, and a photo of the World Trade Center building and the gigantic fireball created by the second plane upon impact on 9/11.

 

RYAN

(whispers)

Henry, I think this guy might be one of those

kooky conspiracy nuts.

 

HENRY

You think?…

 

A loud, but muffled series of FARTING NOISES is heard by the two men. They continue to speak in hushed tones.

 

RYAN

Maybe we should split?

 

HENRY

Why? Do you think he might be a serial

killer?

 

RYAN

Well… anything’s possible.

 

HENRY

Nah, I don’t think so. He’s a little weird,

but you’ve got to remember… This is

Hollywood. Besides, Jesus is our divine

protector. And you never know, we just

might be able to convert this poor old man.

 

The muffled sound of the TOILET FLUSHES once, then twice.

 

RYAN

I hope you’re right.

5.

 

A moment later, Maxwell reappears wearing a pair of well-worn khakis and a T-shirt.

 

MAXWELL

Fella’s, I’m feeling like Cap ‘N Crunch on

this fine morning. By the way, I’m Maxwell.

And don’t call me Max… or you’ll regret it.

 

He gives them both the evil eye. They appear nervous, a bit scared and uncomfortable. Maxwell continues to stare them down with an imposing look of death and then… LAUGHS!

 

MAXWELL

You two need to lighten up. I’m just kidding

with you.

 

HENRY

So you don’t mind if we call you Max?

 

MAXWELL

Hell no! You can call me Gertrude if you

want. Shit… Myrtle, Ruth, Donald Duck.

I don’t give a fuck. What’s your names?

 

RYAN

I’m Ryan and this is my partner in crime,

Henry.

 

Maxwell shakes both of their hands. Ryan and Henry heed his advice and lighten up.

 

MAXWELL

Nice to meet both of you. So… last chance

for Cap ‘N Crunch. Unless you prefer Count

Chocula. Hell, there might even be some

Lucky Charms in there.

 

HENRY

Maxwell, Max… do you have any chocolate

milk?

 

MAXWELL

(with a big smile)

I most certainly do! Don’t tell me… The

Count with milk from a chocolate cow?

 

HENRY

Yep! Might as well indulge, why not?

 

Maxwell pretends to write his order down on an imaginary pad as if he were a waitress. He then turns

6.

 

to Ryan and speaks with a woman’s voice in an over-the-top, exaggerated southern accent.

 

MAXWELL

And what can I get for you, Sugar Plumb?

Would you like some grits and hash browns?

 

The two men crack up in LAUGHTER. Maxwell does a curtsy, then lets out a LAUGH.

 

MAXWELL

You’ll have to excuse my absurd sense of

humor. It’s just getting harder and harder to

take life seriously. What’ll it be, Ryan?

 

RYAN

What the heck. I’ll have what you’re having,

Skipper.

 

MAXWELL

Yes! In memory of the greatest seafarer who

who ever sailed the seven seas… Cap ‘N Crunch

it is. Be right back, gentlemen.

 

Maxwell heads to the kitchen to pour them all a bowl of cereal. Henry and Ryan exchange a look which translates to: This guy is super weird!

 

INT. MAXWELL’S KITCHEN

 

As Maxwell sets three bowls on the counter, fills them with cereal, pours milk into the first two bowls, and chocolate milk into the third.

 

INT. DINING AREA

 

As Maxwell returns with cereal for his guests and sets them down on the table next to their bibles.

 

MAXWELL

So, gentlemen. Which brand would Jesus

choose?

 

HENRY

What do you mean?

 

MAXWELL

I’ll repeat myself, which I hate doing.

(he speaks very slowly)

What cereal brand do you imagine Jesus

would choose?

 

7.

 

Ryan and Henry exchange a perplexed look before a lightbulb goes off in Ryan’s head. Maxwell sneaks off into the kitchen and returns a second later with his cereal and sits down.

 

RYAN

Definitely Cheerios!

 

HENRY

I disagree. I think Jesus would choose

Fruit Loops… without a doubt!

 

MAXWELL

Blasphemous! I know from my very own

research that Christ was a Cap ‘N Crunch

kind of guy!

 

Maxwell smiles and scoops a spoonful of cereal and devours it. Henry and Ryan follow suit.

 

HENRY

Well he definitely wouldn’t choose Count

Chocula.

 

MAXWELL

And why is that?

 

HENRY

I don’t believe Christ would support

vampirism in any shape or form.

 

Maxwell contemplates Henry’s response as he eats another spoonful.

 

RYAN

I totally agree. Jesus would not choose

Count Chocula and I believe that with

all my heart.

 

Henry is about to have another spoonful of Count Chocula… but hesitates just inches away from his mouth. He puts the spoon back into the bowl. Maxwell gives him a scornful look.

 

HENRY

He’s right. Jesus was not a fan of

vampires, dragons, werewolves, or

any other form of demonic entities,

period!

 

Maxwell chews another mouthful and sets his spoon down next to his bowl of cereal.

 

 

8.

 

MAXWELL

You’re both wrong! Christ, rather the

concept of Christianity, is nothing more

than a form of vampirism. Why on earth

would the priest say “body of Christ”

before shoving a waver down someone’s

throat?

 

Both Henry and Ryan are stunned by Maxwell’s remark. They are unable to respond.

 

MAXWELL

Hate to burst your bubble, but Christianity

is nothing more than pagan sun worship

creatively disguised to fool its followers

into blind submission. You don’t think the

chosen day of worship—Sun-day—is just

a coincidence, do you? Simply put, religion

is the astrotheological opiate of the masses…

(imitating a sheep)

B-A-A-A-A-A-A…

 

Maxwell picks up his spoon and scoops another mouthful of Cap ‘N Crunch.

 

HENRY

How can you say that?

 

RYAN

Yeah, how can you just sit there and

denigrate our Lord Jesus Christ?

 

MAXWELL

(chewing a mouthful)

Actually it comes quite naturally. You

see, I’m a truthsayer.

 

HENRY

What?

 

Maxwell swallows his cereal and speaks more clearly.

 

MAXWELL

I said I’m a truth-sayer. That translates

into one who speaks the truth no matter

how unpopular or controversial. How’s

your Count Chocula?

 

Maxwell eats another spoonful of his cereal as the two men look on in total disbelief.

9.

 

RYAN

I believe you’re full of shit!

 

MAXWELL

Ten minutes ago I would have agreed

with you, but I just took a nice big

dump.

 

HENRY

That’s not what he means. He believes,

as do I, that you’re a lying sack of shit!

 

RYAN

And not only that, but you are completely

misinformed!

 

MAXWELL

Psychologically, I understand exactly

what you’re both going through. A great

German philosopher once said: Truth

goes through three stages. First, it is

ridiculed; second, it is violently opposed;

and finally, it is accepted as self evident.

It’s obvious that you two gentlemen are

in stage one.

 

Ryan SLAMS his fist down on the table in disgust.

 

RYAN

You do realize you’re going to burn in

hell for eternity!

 

HENRY

(tauntingly)

Burn baby burn!

 

Henry gets out of his chair and wields his spoon as if it were a knife, putting it in front of the Maxwell’s face in a threatening gesture.

 

HENRY

You’re lucky this isn’t a knife!

 

RYAN

Yeah, asshole! You deserve to have

your fuckin’ throat sliced open and

bleed to death like a slutty whore!

I hope you rot in hell, Max-fucker!

10.

 

Completely unfazed, Maxwell eats another spoonful of cereal. He’s calm, cool, and collected…

 

MAXWELL

Schopenhauer was right. Apparently

you two gentlemen have quickly

advanced to stage two. By the way, I

do have a very large and very sharp

knife. Would you care to borrow it?

 

Henry puts his spoon down and returns to his chair, staring at Maxwell in disbelief.

 

HENRY

Are you fucking crazy?

 

MAXWELL

On the contrary. I’m one of the last

bastions of true sanity left on this

insane, out of control planet of ours.

 

RYAN

I think you’re fucking nuts, dude!

 

MAXWELL

That doesn’t surprise me in the least.

But you have to remember one thing:

You two are the ones who believe in an

invisible man who lives in the sky, who

watches everything you do morning, day

and night, and has given you a list of ten

things which you are not supposed to do.

And if you dare do any one of those ten

things contrary to his will, he’ll send you

to this special subterranean place full of

fire and smoke and anguish and torture

where you will have to burn and suffer

and choke and scream forever and ever

until the end of time… And at the same

time this invisible, omniscient man who

lives in sky, get this, loves you! He loves

you… Now if you think I’m fucking nuts,

perhaps you better rethink this and realize

that just maybe I’m the sane one in this

equation.

 

Maxwell gobbles up a couple spoonfuls of his cereal. Henry and Ryan slump back into their chairs to contemplate his latest rambling. Henry is the first to break the silence.

 

11.

 

HENRY

Let me get this right. So what you’re

saying is—you don’t believe in the

Holy Bible?

 

MAXWELL

Believe—now there’s an interesting

concept.

 

Maxwell gets up and walks over to his bookcase and withdraws a big red copy of Webster’s dictionary, and PLOPS it down on the dining table.

 

MAXWELL

Who wants the honor?

 

He eyes the two men as they exchange an uneasy look.

 

MAXWELL

Don’t be afraid. It’s only a freaking

dictionary… Oh, that’s right. The

Original G–

(brackets his fingers)

God!!–doesn’t want you reading from

the Book of Knowledge. Geez, how on

earth are you Christians ever supposed

to learn anything?

 

Maxwell stares down Ryan then Henry, then back to Ryan. Ryan reaches for the dictionary and looks up the work “believe.”

 

CLOSEUP—DICTIONARY ENTRY “BELIEVE”

 

RYAN (O.S.)

To take as true, real, et cetera; to

suppose or think, to have religious

faith…

 

MAXWELL

Ahh, there’s another fantabulous word…

Faith!

 

He grabs the dictionary from Ryan and turns to the word “faith.” He reads the definition.

 

MAXWELL

Unquestioning belief that does not

require proof or evidence…

 

12.

 

Maxwell SLAMS the dictionary closed.

 

MAXWELL

Are you two aware that way back in

the day—I mean, way, waaaay back–

people believed the earth to be flat…

Just like a fucking pancake! Do either

of you belong to the Flat Earth Society?

Are you aware that our planet is a spinning

orb? Are you familiar with the concept

of gravity?

 

Henry and Ryan nod in unison like a pair of stunned zombies.

 

MAXWELL

So… you can see for yourself where a

belief doesn’t exactly correlate to actual

reality. Agreed?

 

RYAN

But–

 

MAXWELL

No buts, just answer the question?

 

They remain in their state of muted zombiefication. Maxwell throws his arms up in feigned disgust.

 

MAXWELL

Come on! Don’t tell me some cat has

both of your tongues. I fucking hate cats

and would never let one step a furry paw

into my apartment. So, it’s not a matter

of feline intervention… Perhaps a case

of brain freeze. What’s wrong, fellas?

Was the milk too cold?

 

Henry pushes his bowl away from him to gesture he’s had enough. He places his bible in front of him, cracks it open and begins to read.

 

HENRY

And the great dragon was thrown down,

that ancient serpent who is called the

devil and Satan, the deceiver of the

whole world–

 

Maxwell holds up a hand, an abrupt gesture for him to stop reading.

 

13.

 

MAXWELL

Ooooo, the Devil, the great deceiver!

Do you believe in the Boogieman as

well? What about Santa Claus and the

Tooth Fairy? Tread carefully… I’ve

already demonstrated how a belief can

stink up a room faster than a dozen

barrels of fresh horse manure.

 

Henry shakes his head in defiance and disbelief, as Ryan reaches for his bible and clutches it as if it were a security blanket.

 

MAXWELL

What is it with you two? Why are you

so afraid of the truth?

 

RYAN

What makes you think your twisted

ramblings have anything to do with

truth?

 

HENRY

Yeah, you old codger! Who the hell

are you anyway?!

 

Maxwell raises his bowl to his mouth and finishes the rest of his cereal. He now has a milky mustache.

 

MAXWELL

What if I told you I was Jesus Christ?

Would you believe me?

 

RYAN

Hell no!

 

HENRY

Wait, are you Jesus?

 

MAXWELL

Sure, kid. And I’ve got a seven foot

wooden cross I’ll sell you for real

cheap. How ’bout say… ten bucks?

 

RYAN

(to Henry)

I think he’s pulling your leg.

 

 

14.

 

MAXWELL

Okay, guys. I can only deal with so

much ignorance on any given day and

you two are stretching the limit. I’m

going to say this and I want you to pay

close attention… okay?

 

RYAN

Oh boy, here it comes. Captain Truth-

Sayer to the res–

 

HENRY

(to Ryan)

Shhhhh! I want to hear what he has to

say.

 

Maxwell wipes away the milk mustache with the back of his hand. He stands up and paces next to the dining table. All four eyes are locked on him.

 

MAXWELL

Because of religion, more humans have

been murdered, tortured, maimed, hated

and scorned, than for any other reason in

the history of mankind. I kid you not,

the story of Jesus and the crucifixion

has been played out some sixteen times

over the last ten thousand years. Go ahead,

do your homework. You’ll find that aside

from the bible, no other ancient scholars

even mention the name Jesus Christ. Even

those who were around during his time

and–

 

The telephone RINGS…

 

MAXWELL

Yeah, even those chroniclers who were–

 

It RINGS again…

 

MAXWELL

I think I need to get this call.

 

And again it RINGS as Maxwell walks over to the cordless phone and picks it up.

 

MAXWELL

Hello?

15.

 

SEXY WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Good morning, lover. It’s me, Pussy Amour.

How’s your morning wood? I bet you’re as

hard as a big league baseball bat…

 

MAXWELL

(clears his throat)

Hold on one second, Sugar Tits. I’ll be

back faster than you can say premature

ejaculation…

 

Maxwell covers the phone receiver with the palm of his hand and returns to the dining room.

 

MAXWELL

Okay, guys. Party’s over!

 

HENRY

Who’s calling?

 

MAXWELL

It’s my phone sex wake-up call

service. Hate to be rude, but you

two have to go… Pronto!

 

RYAN

But we haven’t finished our cereal–

 

MAXWELL

Too bad! Get out of here, goddammit!

Scram!

 

Maxwell ushers them out of the apartment and SLAMS the door behind them. He quickly takes off his khaki trousers and sits down on his lazy boy recliner. He then continues his telephone conversation with Pussy Amour.

 

MAXWELL

Now where were we?…

 

SEXY VOICE (O.S.)

You were telling me about your

morning wood, Lover… Are you

holding your baseball bat ready

to hit a home run?

 

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

­

BREAKFAST WITH JESUS FREAKS

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. BEACHWOOD DRIVE – MORNING

 

Two 20-something, casually-dressed young men, each carrying a bible, walk along the sidewalk and approach an apartment building. HENRY, short and stocky, pushes the doorbell button at the first apartment, but no sound emits as RYAN, tall and lanky, glances at his wristwatch.

 

RYAN

Henry, do you hear anything?

 

HENRY

No.

 

RYAN

Doorbell’s probably broken.

 

HENRY

I think you’re right, Ryan… And that’s why God

gave us knuckles.

 

Henry KNOCKS on the door. They wait…

 

HENRY

What time is it?

 

RYAN

Eleven-eleven.

(checks his watch again)

Yep, eleven-eleven.

 

Henry KNOCKS on the door again. They continue to wait…

 

RYAN

Well, shall we scooter to the next sinner’s

abode?

 

Henry puts his ear to the door… hears nothing.

 

HENRY

Let’s do it!

 

As the two men walk away from the apartment, the door slowly opens. A disheveled and suspicious man’s head pokes out of the door. His name is MAXWELL, 60ish, a night person who enjoys sleeping in. Ryan and Henry stop dead in their tracks.

2.

 

 

MAXWELL

Why are you two guys waking me up this

early? Do you realize it’s not even noon?

 

HENRY

(approaching slowly)

Sir, we apologize.

 

RYAN

Yes, we’re both very sorry. I hope you’ll

accept our apology.

 

MAXWELL

That’s all well and good, but you haven’t

answered either one of my questions.

 

The two bible pushers exchange an uneasy look at one another as the old man opens his door wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. He cocks his head in anticipation of an answer.

 

RYAN

Well, sir, it’s a bit past eleven-eleven and

we’re here to share the timeless gospel of

Jesus Christ.

 

HENRY

(inches closer to the old man)

Sir, have you been saved?

 

Ryan follows his lead, inching closer to the man’s door.

 

MAXWELL

Saved?

 

HENRY

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your

personal savior?

 

MAXWELL

(a bit confused)

What century is this?

 

RYAN

(looks at his watch)

The twenty-first, sir.

 

The old man takes a deep breath and slowly exhales. He smiles at the two young men.

3.

 

MAXWELL

That’s what I thought. I just had to make

sure. I’ve been having these weird dreams

lately and… forget it. Would you two like to

join me for a hearty bowl of cereal? Cap ‘N

Crunch or Count Chocula… Your choice?

 

Ryan and Henry exchange another uneasy look.

 

HENRY

We’ve already had breakfast, sir.

 

Ryan nods in agreement.

 

MAXWELL

Oh really? What did you have?

 

RYAN

An egg McMuffin… sir.

 

MAXWELL

Ahh, Mickey-Dees… Thank God and Mother

Mary for them golden arches! What would

this world be without them?

(a rhetorical pause)

How about something to drink then… O-J?

Earl Grey? No coffee, though. Can’t stand

the smell of it. And besides, I think it could

very well be… The Devil’s brew! So, what

do you say?

 

Maxwell scratches his privates, then opens the door wider to invite them in. Ryan shoots a quick nod at Henry.

 

HENRY

Sure!

 

The two young men take a step forward. Maxwell holds up his hand and stops them in their tracks.

 

MAXWELL

Wait! One condition: You two have to knock

it off with that “Sir” crap. My navy days are

forty years behind me and as far as I know, I

have yet to be knighted by Queen Lizardbreath,

or whatever her name is. Deal?

 

Henry and Ryan both nod.

4.

 

INT. MAXWELL’S APARTMENT

 

As the old man leads his two guests, with bibles in hand, to the dining area.

 

MAXWELL

Have a seat. I’ll be right back after I take

care of a some urgent business.

 

Henry and Ryan take a seat at the table as Maxwell scurries to the bathroom to relieve himself. The two men look around at the unkempt surroundings. Among them are piles of dirty laundry, hundreds of books, magazines, empty beer cans, etc. On the walls are three disturbing, poster-size images: A closeup from the Zapruder film of the kill shot to JFK’s head, the famous picture of RFK lying on the floor of the Ambassador Hotel’s kitchen moments after his assassination, and a photo of the World Trade Center building and the gigantic fireball created by the second plane upon impact on 9/11.

 

RYAN

(whispers)

Henry, I think this guy might be one of those

kooky conspiracy nuts.

 

HENRY

You think?…

 

A loud, but muffled series of FARTING NOISES is heard by the two men. They continue to speak in hushed tones.

 

RYAN

Maybe we should split?

 

HENRY

Why? Do you think he might be a serial

killer?

 

RYAN

Well… anything’s possible.

 

HENRY

Nah, I don’t think so. He’s a little weird,

but you’ve got to remember… This is

Hollywood. Besides, Jesus is our divine

protector. And you never know, we just

might be able to convert this poor old man.

 

The muffled sound of the TOILET FLUSHES once, then twice.

 

RYAN

I hope you’re right.

5.

 

A moment later, Maxwell reappears wearing a pair of well-worn khakis and a T-shirt.

 

MAXWELL

Fella’s, I’m feeling like Cap ‘N Crunch on

this fine morning. By the way, I’m Maxwell.

And don’t call me Max… or you’ll regret it.

 

He gives them both the evil eye. They appear nervous, a bit scared and uncomfortable. Maxwell continues to stare them down with an imposing look of death and then… LAUGHS!

 

MAXWELL

You two need to lighten up. I’m just kidding

with you.

 

HENRY

So you don’t mind if we call you Max?

 

MAXWELL

Hell no! You can call me Gertrude if you

want. Shit… Myrtle, Ruth, Donald Duck.

I don’t give a fuck. What’s your names?

 

RYAN

I’m Ryan and this is my partner in crime,

Henry.

 

Maxwell shakes both of their hands. Ryan and Henry heed his advice and lighten up.

 

MAXWELL

Nice to meet both of you. So… last chance

for Cap ‘N Crunch. Unless you prefer Count

Chocula. Hell, there might even be some

Lucky Charms in there.

 

HENRY

Maxwell, Max… do you have any chocolate

milk?

 

MAXWELL

(with a big smile)

I most certainly do! Don’t tell me… The

Count with milk from a chocolate cow?

 

HENRY

Yep! Might as well indulge, why not?

 

Maxwell pretends to write his order down on an imaginary pad as if he were a waitress. He then turns

6.

 

to Ryan and speaks with a woman’s voice in an over-the-top, exaggerated southern accent.

 

MAXWELL

And what can I get for you, Sugar Plumb?

Would you like some grits and hash browns?

 

The two men crack up in LAUGHTER. Maxwell does a curtsy, then lets out a LAUGH.

 

MAXWELL

You’ll have to excuse my absurd sense of

humor. It’s just getting harder and harder to

take life seriously. What’ll it be, Ryan?

 

RYAN

What the heck. I’ll have what you’re having,

Skipper.

 

MAXWELL

Yes! In memory of the greatest seafarer who

who ever sailed the seven seas… Cap ‘N Crunch

it is. Be right back, gentlemen.

 

Maxwell heads to the kitchen to pour them all a bowl of cereal. Henry and Ryan exchange a look which translates to: This guy is super weird!

 

INT. MAXWELL’S KITCHEN

 

As Maxwell sets three bowls on the counter, fills them with cereal, pours milk into the first two bowls, and chocolate milk into the third.

 

INT. DINING AREA

 

As Maxwell returns with cereal for his guests and sets them down on the table next to their bibles.

 

MAXWELL

So, gentlemen. Which brand would Jesus

choose?

 

HENRY

What do you mean?

 

MAXWELL

I’ll repeat myself, which I hate doing.

(he speaks very slowly)

What cereal brand do you imagine Jesus

would choose?

 

7.

 

Ryan and Henry exchange a perplexed look before a lightbulb goes off in Ryan’s head. Maxwell sneaks off into the kitchen and returns a second later with his cereal and sits down.

 

RYAN

Definitely Cheerios!

 

HENRY

I disagree. I think Jesus would choose

Fruit Loops… without a doubt!

 

MAXWELL

Blasphemous! I know from my very own

research that Christ was a Cap ‘N Crunch

kind of guy!

 

Maxwell smiles and scoops a spoonful of cereal and devours it. Henry and Ryan follow suit.

 

HENRY

Well he definitely wouldn’t choose Count

Chocula.

 

MAXWELL

And why is that?

 

HENRY

I don’t believe Christ would support

vampirism in any shape or form.

 

Maxwell contemplates Henry’s response as he eats another spoonful.

 

RYAN

I totally agree. Jesus would not choose

Count Chocula and I believe that with

all my heart.

 

Henry is about to have another spoonful of Count Chocula… but hesitates just inches away from his mouth. He puts the spoon back into the bowl. Maxwell gives him a scornful look.

 

HENRY

He’s right. Jesus was not a fan of

vampires, dragons, werewolves, or

any other form of demonic entities,

period!

 

Maxwell chews another mouthful and sets his spoon down next to his bowl of cereal.

 

 

8.

 

MAXWELL

You’re both wrong! Christ, rather the

concept of Christianity, is nothing more

than a form of vampirism. Why on earth

would the priest say “body of Christ”

before shoving a waver down someone’s

throat?

 

Both Henry and Ryan are stunned by Maxwell’s remark. They are unable to respond.

 

MAXWELL

Hate to burst your bubble, but Christianity

is nothing more than pagan sun worship

creatively disguised to fool its followers

into blind submission. You don’t think the

chosen day of worship—Sun-day—is just

a coincidence, do you? Simply put, religion

is the astrotheological opiate of the masses…

(imitating a sheep)

B-A-A-A-A-A-A…

 

Maxwell picks up his spoon and scoops another mouthful of Cap ‘N Crunch.

 

HENRY

How can you say that?

 

RYAN

Yeah, how can you just sit there and

denigrate our Lord Jesus Christ?

 

MAXWELL

(chewing a mouthful)

Actually it comes quite naturally. You

see, I’m a truthsayer.

 

HENRY

What?

 

Maxwell swallows his cereal and speaks more clearly.

 

MAXWELL

I said I’m a truth-sayer. That translates

into one who speaks the truth no matter

how unpopular or controversial. How’s

your Count Chocula?

 

Maxwell eats another spoonful of his cereal as the two men look on in total disbelief.

9.

 

RYAN

I believe you’re full of shit!

 

MAXWELL

Ten minutes ago I would have agreed

with you, but I just took a nice big

dump.

 

HENRY

That’s not what he means. He believes,

as do I, that you’re a lying sack of shit!

 

RYAN

And not only that, but you are completely

misinformed!

 

MAXWELL

Psychologically, I understand exactly

what you’re both going through. A great

German philosopher once said: Truth

goes through three stages. First, it is

ridiculed; second, it is violently opposed;

and finally, it is accepted as self evident.

It’s obvious that you two gentlemen are

in stage one.

 

Ryan SLAMS his fist down on the table in disgust.

 

RYAN

You do realize you’re going to burn in

hell for eternity!

 

HENRY

(tauntingly)

Burn baby burn!

 

Henry gets out of his chair and wields his spoon as if it were a knife, putting it in front of the Maxwell’s face in a threatening gesture.

 

HENRY

You’re lucky this isn’t a knife!

 

RYAN

Yeah, asshole! You deserve to have

your fuckin’ throat sliced open and

bleed to death like a slutty whore!

I hope you rot in hell, Max-fucker!

10.

 

Completely unfazed, Maxwell eats another spoonful of cereal. He’s calm, cool, and collected…

 

MAXWELL

Schopenhauer was right. Apparently

you two gentlemen have quickly

advanced to stage two. By the way, I

do have a very large and very sharp

knife. Would you care to borrow it?

 

Henry puts his spoon down and returns to his chair, staring at Maxwell in disbelief.

 

HENRY

Are you fucking crazy?

 

MAXWELL

On the contrary. I’m one of the last

bastions of true sanity left on this

insane, out of control planet of ours.

 

RYAN

I think you’re fucking nuts, dude!

 

MAXWELL

That doesn’t surprise me in the least.

But you have to remember one thing:

You two are the ones who believe in an

invisible man who lives in the sky, who

watches everything you do morning, day

and night, and has given you a list of ten

things which you are not supposed to do.

And if you dare do any one of those ten

things contrary to his will, he’ll send you

to this special subterranean place full of

fire and smoke and anguish and torture

where you will have to burn and suffer

and choke and scream forever and ever

until the end of time… And at the same

time this invisible, omniscient man who

lives in sky, get this, loves you! He loves

you… Now if you think I’m fucking nuts,

perhaps you better rethink this and realize

that just maybe I’m the sane one in this

equation.

 

Maxwell gobbles up a couple spoonfuls of his cereal. Henry and Ryan slump back into their chairs to contemplate his latest rambling. Henry is the first to break the silence.

 

11.

 

HENRY

Let me get this right. So what you’re

saying is—you don’t believe in the

Holy Bible?

 

MAXWELL

Believe—now there’s an interesting

concept.

 

Maxwell gets up and walks over to his bookcase and withdraws a big red copy of Webster’s dictionary, and PLOPS it down on the dining table.

 

MAXWELL

Who wants the honor?

 

He eyes the two men as they exchange an uneasy look.

 

MAXWELL

Don’t be afraid. It’s only a freaking

dictionary… Oh, that’s right. The

Original G–

(brackets his fingers)

God!!–doesn’t want you reading from

the Book of Knowledge. Geez, how on

earth are you Christians ever supposed

to learn anything?

 

Maxwell stares down Ryan then Henry, then back to Ryan. Ryan reaches for the dictionary and looks up the work “believe.”

 

CLOSEUP—DICTIONARY ENTRY “BELIEVE”

 

RYAN (O.S.)

To take as true, real, et cetera; to

suppose or think, to have religious

faith…

 

MAXWELL

Ahh, there’s another fantabulous word…

Faith!

 

He grabs the dictionary from Ryan and turns to the word “faith.” He reads the definition.

 

MAXWELL

Unquestioning belief that does not

require proof or evidence…

 

12.

 

Maxwell SLAMS the dictionary closed.

 

MAXWELL

Are you two aware that way back in

the day—I mean, way, waaaay back–

people believed the earth to be flat…

Just like a fucking pancake! Do either

of you belong to the Flat Earth Society?

Are you aware that our planet is a spinning

orb? Are you familiar with the concept

of gravity?

 

Henry and Ryan nod in unison like a pair of stunned zombies.

 

MAXWELL

So… you can see for yourself where a

belief doesn’t exactly correlate to actual

reality. Agreed?

 

RYAN

But–

 

MAXWELL

No buts, just answer the question?

 

They remain in their state of muted zombiefication. Maxwell throws his arms up in feigned disgust.

 

MAXWELL

Come on! Don’t tell me some cat has

both of your tongues. I fucking hate cats

and would never let one step a furry paw

into my apartment. So, it’s not a matter

of feline intervention… Perhaps a case

of brain freeze. What’s wrong, fellas?

Was the milk too cold?

 

Henry pushes his bowl away from him to gesture he’s had enough. He places his bible in front of him, cracks it open and begins to read.

 

HENRY

And the great dragon was thrown down,

that ancient serpent who is called the

devil and Satan, the deceiver of the

whole world–

 

Maxwell holds up a hand, an abrupt gesture for him to stop reading.

 

13.

 

MAXWELL

Ooooo, the Devil, the great deceiver!

Do you believe in the Boogieman as

well? What about Santa Claus and the

Tooth Fairy? Tread carefully… I’ve

already demonstrated how a belief can

stink up a room faster than a dozen

barrels of fresh horse manure.

 

Henry shakes his head in defiance and disbelief, as Ryan reaches for his bible and clutches it as if it were a security blanket.

 

MAXWELL

What is it with you two? Why are you

so afraid of the truth?

 

RYAN

What makes you think your twisted

ramblings have anything to do with

truth?

 

HENRY

Yeah, you old codger! Who the hell

are you anyway?!

 

Maxwell raises his bowl to his mouth and finishes the rest of his cereal. He now has a milky mustache.

 

MAXWELL

What if I told you I was Jesus Christ?

Would you believe me?

 

RYAN

Hell no!

 

HENRY

Wait, are you Jesus?

 

MAXWELL

Sure, kid. And I’ve got a seven foot

wooden cross I’ll sell you for real

cheap. How ’bout say… ten bucks?

 

RYAN

(to Henry)

I think he’s pulling your leg.

 

 

14.

 

MAXWELL

Okay, guys. I can only deal with so

much ignorance on any given day and

you two are stretching the limit. I’m

going to say this and I want you to pay

close attention… okay?

 

RYAN

Oh boy, here it comes. Captain Truth-

Sayer to the res–

 

HENRY

(to Ryan)

Shhhhh! I want to hear what he has to

say.

 

Maxwell wipes away the milk mustache with the back of his hand. He stands up and paces next to the dining table. All four eyes are locked on him.

 

MAXWELL

Because of religion, more humans have

been murdered, tortured, maimed, hated

and scorned, than for any other reason in

the history of mankind. I kid you not,

the story of Jesus and the crucifixion

has been played out some sixteen times

over the last ten thousand years. Go ahead,

do your homework. You’ll find that aside

from the bible, no other ancient scholars

even mention the name Jesus Christ. Even

those who were around during his time

and–

 

The telephone RINGS…

 

MAXWELL

Yeah, even those chroniclers who were–

 

It RINGS again…

 

MAXWELL

I think I need to get this call.

 

And again it RINGS as Maxwell walks over to the cordless phone and picks it up.

 

MAXWELL

Hello?

15.

 

SEXY WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Good morning, lover. It’s me, Pussy Amour.

How’s your morning wood? I bet you’re as

hard as a big league baseball bat…

 

MAXWELL

(clears his throat)

Hold on one second, Sugar Tits. I’ll be

back faster than you can say premature

ejaculation…

 

Maxwell covers the phone receiver with the palm of his hand and returns to the dining room.

 

MAXWELL

Okay, guys. Party’s over!

 

HENRY

Who’s calling?

 

MAXWELL

It’s my phone sex wake-up call

service. Hate to be rude, but you

two have to go… Pronto!

 

RYAN

But we haven’t finished our cereal–

 

MAXWELL

Too bad! Get out of here, goddammit!

Scram!

 

Maxwell ushers them out of the apartment and SLAMS the door behind them. He quickly takes off his khaki trousers and sits down on his lazy boy recliner. He then continues his telephone conversation with Pussy Amour.

 

MAXWELL

Now where were we?…

 

SEXY VOICE (O.S.)

You were telling me about your

morning wood, Lover… Are you

holding your baseball bat ready

to hit a home run?

 

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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