Say What? No More Nudes in Playboy?

Ed Murray Channels Al Goldstein Looking For Answers

by Ed Murray

Dateline: Holmby Hills

Hugh Hefner

Hugh Hefner

Please don’t say you aren’t shocked.  Playboy Magazine has announced a big make-over of the magazine, including the removal of pictures of nude ladies from the pages of the famous man’s mag.  These changes are set to take place in the March, 2016 issue.  Since Playboy began, it made its mark on society, and made founder Hugh Hefner a fortune.  The big thing that attracted a following over the years has been the nude centerfold.  If you think that millions of men bought the magazine just to read the articles, then you are seriously deluded.  The probable reason that Hefner put some articles and written material in the magazine was that he had to.  In the 1950’s publishing “porn” or magazines with only nudes was risky.  Various state and local authorities were prosecuting publishers for publishing magazines that “had no socially redeeming value.”  Hence the publishers covered themselves with news, fiction, fashion, or other articles.  Things are a little different now,  a lot of porn has moved to the internet or dvd rentals.

But I wanted to get to the bottom of the Playboy announcement.  The magazine has seen its circulation fall the last few years.  The magazine, always a little elitist, has failed to make big gains with a younger crowd, especially with working class and middle class men.  Totally removing the nudes from the magazine seemes like they are going in the wrong direction.  After all, if you want “good” articles, why not read Atlantic, or the New York Review of Books?

Al Goldstein

Al Goldstein

The one man who could give me answers to that is dead: porn publisher Al Goldstein.  He was the King for a while, publishing the sleazy, irreverent Screw magazine and running various other enterprises.  He was always in Court, fighting for freedom of speech and freedom of expression.  So I thought I would contact him on the other side.  Get some answers from the guy who knows what’s happening.

 

…Glass of wine…..

…(Self-Hypnotic Trance)…..

…glass of wine….

….Trance…Taking hold…..

Murray:  Hello, Al?  Al Goldstein?

Goldstein:  Yeah, I’m here.  How are ya, you old putz?

Murray:  OK, Al.  I hate to bother you, ….you must be busy or something.

Goldstein.  Yeah, but it’s not what you think, in fact not what anyone could ever think.

Murray:  What do you mean?  Like where are you now?  If you can say?

Goldstein:  Right now I’m down in the hot place, but actually the way things worked out I divide my time between the two places..

Murray:  Huh?  How’s that possible?  I’ve never heard of that before.

Goldstein:  Well, I got sent down here for a light sentence because of some bad things I did.

Murray:  You mean some of the Porn stuff?

Goldstein:  Naw, some other f*cking stuff.  So I have to spend four hours every day going to a beginner’s Sunday School.  And me a Jew.  I’m f*cking outraged.

Murray:  I imagine it could be worse, I mean sitting in a Sunday School class isn’t too bad, is it?

Goldstein:  It is if your sentence is 30,000 years of the sh*t.

Murray:  Well, what about the rest of the day?

Goldstein:  The other half of my time I work up top with the good guys.  It’s a big universe, and I’ve actually been appointed a kind of Porn Angel, so to speak.

Murray:  Porn Angel?

Goldstein:  Yeah, well there’s a lot of solar systems in the universe, a lot of planets and a lot of weird people.  Some of the races on other planets have declining populations, and they needed someone to spur them on, give ’em LUST, get them f*cking again.  I’m an expert on that, so they hired me.

Murray:  Wow.  Sounds like you are able to continue your career.

Goldstein:  Yeah, but the downside is that I can’t participate, you know, I don’t have a physical body anymore.  In fact, I’m not entirely sure who I’m working for at this job.  I’d give my left nut to have a dick again…..

Murray:  I see your point.  Hey, the reason for the call is about the new announcement from Playboy magazine.  Have you heard about it?

Goldstein:  Yeah, I hear about everything.  There’s always hordes of new jerks inbound here, we pick up rumors pretty fast.

Murray:  So what is it, Al?  Is the staff of Playboy all gay now?

Goldstein:  Naw, and those schmucks don’t have a creative drop of jizz in their bodies.  This decision is coming right from Hef.

Murray:  What?  Hef?

Feminist Dworkin

Feminist Dworkin

Goldstein:  Well, sort of.  Do you remember that radical feminist Andrea Dworkin from the 80s and 90s? She was a big fat woman

Murray:  Yeah, the anti-porn crusader.

Goldstein:  That’s the one.  Well, Hef is weak.  I mean the old f*ck is really weak.  When you get down like that, you’re susceptible to a walk-in.

 

Murray:  A walk-in?

Goldsteirn:  Yeah, that Andrea woman is a spirit now, she saw that Hef was weak, his defenses down, so she moved right into his body.

Murray:  Is that possible?

Goldstein: F*ckin right it’s possible.  She’s now Hef, controlling him.  She’s havin’ a f*ckin ball, makin’ him into a laughing stock, taking the nudes out of the mag.  He’s so weak that his last few girlfriends said that all he does at night is cuddle with his dog and watch old fifties movies.  He’s done.  And Andrea is getting her putrid rocks off,- getting her feminist revenge on all the men.  What a country….

Murray:  Al, I have to think about this, maybe with a sixpack.  This is depressing news.

Goldstein:  Well, Ed, as I have said many times, F*CK YOU, F*CK HEF, F*CK ANDREA, in fact,

F*CK EVERYBODY!  HOPE TO SEE ALL YOU JERKS REAL SOON!

Murray: Al, this time I really mean it:  Sorry I asked….

Goldstein:  Uh, yeah, gotto go, Sunday School class starting in a few minutes……

 

edmurray1955@aol.com

 

Summer Fun

Have a Chuckle and Forget That Heat Rash

Summer Jokes from R.J. Johnson

 

– People in New York are paying $180 for a bird poop facial. Or they can just stand under a statue in Central Park for free.

– MTV is producing a reality show about a group of virgins who may or may not have sex. Or as we used to call that, Prom Night.

– Paula Dean turned down “Dancing With the Stars.” But she has a new show, “How I Met Yo Mama.”

In London they found a 15 ton blob of congealed fat in a sewer pipe. Or as English cooks call that, the all-you-can-eat buffet.

– The guy and girl from the popular country group The Civil Wars broke up and they are so angry The Civil Wars aren’t even talking to each other. The really bad news? They’re starting a new group. The Vietnam.

– A man in South Africa saved his dog first before swimming back to save his wife after their yacht sank in the ocean. Actually, they have a name for married men who do that: Celibate.

– Mexico has gone ahead of the U.S. when it comes to having the most obese people in the world. And they’ve already declared a day of celebration: Sinko de Fatso

– Netflix has a new TV series called “Orange is the New Black.” Sounds more like a John Boehner rap album, doesn’t it?

– According to Variety, Apple is coming out with a device that will skip over TV commercials. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a bathroom, right?

– Liz Cheney is running for the Senate in Wyoming against another Republican named Sen. Michael Enzi. They’ve agreed to three debates, two press conferences and one hunting trip.

And finally…

A man in Tennessee is suing Apple Computers.  He said the company causes a porn addiction, sexual arousal and drives men to prostitution. The good news for the guy? He’s now legally eligible to run for any office he wants in New York City.

 

Lift the June Gloom with jokes from R.J. Johnson

June Gloom Be Gone

by R.J. Johnson

– There are now dating sites for Star Trek fans. Their favorite pick-up line? “Your parent’s basement or mine?”

– On the news, they said prisoners ask O.J. Simpson to negotiate problems between the prison gangs. And if there’s one guy who knows how to talk to a bunch of cut throats, it’s O.J. Simpson.

– Pres. Obama warned Americans that materials on the Internet can influence people to commit terrorist acts. And people on Craig’s List were shocked. “All the STDs aren’t bad enough? Now this?”

– ABC has a new series called “Mistresses.” I like the original title better: “Hawaii Five-Ho.”

And…

– Scientists say they’ve found the plant disease that caused the great potato famine in Ireland in 1845. And just in time.

Those people have got to be really hungry.

 

 

 

Jokes To Take Your Mind Off The IRS

by R.J. Johnson

 

This is true. There’s a plan to open a restaurant in Somerville, Massachusetts where the meat, fish and all the other ingredients come from the nearby dumpsters.

1) We’ve had this cooking process for years. They’re called Hot Dogs, right?

2) It’s like day 6 on a Carnival Cruise ship.

3) It’s for those who think Home Town Buffet is way too ritzy

4) Instead of a doggy bag, you get a barf bag.

******************

A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested for shooting a deer with a rifle in a Walmart parking lot. But he had a good excuse. He was broke and he needed a little dough so he could eat.

The Associated Press will no longer use the phrase, “illegal immigrants.” Their new phrase? Walmart employees.

And finally….

 It was 40 years ago this week when a person made the first cell phone call. And you know the callers first words on the cell phone, don’t you? “Hi, I’m in a movie theatre! The other people won’t mind! Let’s chat.”

 

 

 

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Where The Funnymen Performed in Old Hollywood

 

The-Three-Stooges-Hollywood-Filming-Locations-Cover-1024x792

TUESDAY, APRIL 23rd @ 7:30 pm @ the Larry Edmunds Bookshop-STOOGES!

A few years back I attended an evening at Hollywood Heritage w/ a Stoogephile from Philly named Jim Pauley doing a presentation on the film locations of the 3 Stooges. It was fantastic, and I began to bug Jim about why all his research and photos were not a book. Now they are! Behold, “The Three Stooges-Hollywood Film Locations”, a beautiful coffee book to take you to from the Columbia Ranch to the “Stooges steps” and all points in between. If that is not enough to entice you, we’ll have special guest Beverly Warren, who appears in the short, “Three Loan Wolves” which we’ll show and she’ll talk about working w/ the boys and she’ll be signing photos too! Slowly you should turn, step by step, and make your way to Larry Edmunds Bookshop next Tuesday for a night of Stooges.

Jeff, Larry Edmunds Bookshop

Watch “Three Loan Wolves” on youtube, click here.

 

 

Swami Anaconda Answers the Question “Who Are We?”

Q: Who are we?

IMGP0037_2A: Spirits—a.k.a. infinite consciousness–having a human experience.

Q: Why?

A: Why not?

Q: Please explain?

A: Explain what?

Q: The purpose of the experience?

A: Simple. The purpose of the experience is to experience.

Q: Then what?

A: Nothing. Everything. Whatever you choose.

Q: What is spirit?

A: That which is not your “meat suit” self.IMGP0001_2

Q: What is self?

A: The child of spirit. That which is egoic, in the learning phase with diapers on.

Q: What is their relationship to one another?

A: The spirit or soul self is who we are at our deepest, purest essence. It is the wise elder who gives birth to the baby self with smelly diapers, the 3D representation of who we are in order to learn through experiential devices.

Q: When does the learning phase take place?

A: When the child begins to question its experience. The soul is careful not to jump the gun and is in a constant state of patient availability.

Q: How do we learn?

A: Mainly through experiences put before us by spirit to enhance our awareness.

Q: What is real?

A: Whatever we perceive to be real. But at the same time we can choose not to accept anything as real. We can choose to live in truth and accept all things as pure illusion. Regardless, it is always impermanent, transitory.

Q: Is there a purpose to all of this?

A: Only if we choose to need a purpose.

Q: Are we all one?

A: It depends.IMGP0099

Q: On what?

A: Our perspective.

Q: Please explain?

A: We can look at the ocean and see one gigantic body of water. Or we can separate the droplets one by one.

Q: Is there a heaven and hell?

A: Yes and no. They are ephemeral constructs to subjugate the mind. You create your own reality. Therefore it is your choice whether or not they truly exist.

Q: Do we choose our experiences?

A: Absolutely!

Q: Then why do so many choose to focus on negative experiences?

A: Because.

Q: Because what?

A: I don’t know.

Q: Why don’t you know?

A: Because I choose not to.IMGP0001_2

And there you have it, Q & A with Swami Anaconda. Okay, time to go take an illusory pee…

 

 

Zingers

By R.J. Johnson

A doctor in Brazil has been charged with killing hundreds of patients to free up beds at a hospital. It’s so bad, even our HMOs were yelling, “Stop it. Fifty maybe. But not hundreds.”

– The first airplane in over 30 years flew passengers from Egypt to Iran. Call me crazy but I’m betting the in-flight movie was not, “Schindler’s List.” Or “Diary of Anne Frank.”

– A man in Blairsville, Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly shooting a deer in a Walmart parking lot. His fine? A buck.

– Scientists have invented an implant that calls your smart phone when you’re about to have a heart attack. The reaction from Dick Cheney? “Finally!”

– Sean Penn’s son shoved a photographer. Where did he learn this wild behavior? I for one am shocked.

– In Kansas City, someone at a Conoco service station found a box with two eyeballs in it. Experts on the price of gas said it’s a sign that things are looking up.

And Finally…

– Did you see all the snow back East? It was so white in Washington, Republicans thought they’d gone back to the Reagan Years.