Category Archives: Jokes

Conspiracy Theory

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Donald Trump Was Actually Tipping Us Off!

by Uncle Paulie

Kills virus and bacteria

Conspiracy Theory: I was talking to a homeless guy the other day, who claimed that Trump actually revealed the truth in a cryptic way. So think about it this way, you don’t have to drink “Clorox” or disinfectant, because you are ALREADY drinking it. All of our water supply has chlorine in it to kill bacteria and viruses. It is very powerful, you do not need much, but a lot of us stupid health nuts have been drinking “pure” bottled water, which filters the Chlorine out. If we just go back to drinking our tap water we will be mostly protected. At least, that’s the guy’s theory. He said Trump could not come out and say that because the deep, very deep,state will off him. I have no idea where that state actually is, by the way. Probably somewhere near Arkansas. Since drinking tap water for a while cannot hurt you, maybe it’s worth a try. I can’t afford bottled water anymore in this collapse. I’m loading up on all vitamins and they’re going down the hatch with plain old tap water. I’m wearin’ a mask and keeping my distance, too. Conspiracy madness. Watch “The Expanse” on amazon. Wow, a great series, prophetically exposing a “protomolecule” virus in a grand scale, which we now are living through. Jeff Bezos is a sly one. He knew this was coming and was putting it out to wake us up.
He sold 4 Billion of his amazon stock before the virus hit. Tell me he ain’t smart. I’ll betcha he invested big in toilet paper factories. By the way, Tyson Foods just claimed that the food distribution chain is breaking down. If it does, expect riots and mayhem. L.A. will look like parts of Syria. As far a Trump goes, he looks like he is putting Clorox on his face, which is mainly orange with white spots. Maybe he is morphing into an Alien Insectoid species. Let me know what you find out, I’m stayin’ in tonight, drinking some more two buck Chuck.

Caronageddon is Upside Down Madness

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Everything You Thought You Knew Is Wrong

A Shaky Look at Then and Now

by Charlie Bazooka

Everything you thought you knew is wrong..

Now you know how Alice really felt on her journey with the white rabbit down the hole to another dimension.  You can live it and feel it for yourself.  In just a week, everything we knew  has done a 180. Every freakin’ thing is upside down, backwards.  Think about these things, and then add some to the list:

    1.  The American Mantra – be a good citizen, get a job and go to work every day.  We need taxpayers.  Really?  Now we are ordered by our twin Mad Hatters, the Governor and the Mayor to stay at home.  Lock yourself in and don’t go out.  Order pizza every night, you’ll get to like it even more.
    2. It was illegal to wear a mask on City Streets a couple weeks ago, now you can be arrested for NOT wearing one.
    3. The markets spent millions of dollars on advertising campaigns to help save the oceans from the scourge of plastic bag pollution by bringing your own bag to put your groceries in.  Now your own bags are forbidden, and the markets give you bags for free.  Gee, then why did they charge us 10 cents per bag a couple weeks ago?   The virus made them generous.
    4. The children would be arrested by Mr. Truant officer if they played hooky from school.  Now the Mayor orders the schools closed.  Hey, the kids learn everything they need from youtube anyway.
    5. The righteous parents have spent years screaming about those awful video games their kids are playing on their computers.  Now, they are told to play video games for hours to keep the kids occupied.
    6. The Federal Government spends millions telling taxpayers to pay up, they need the money.  Now, it turns out that they really don’t need it, they just print however much they need every week.  And they are sending out billions to most citizens to prove it.  Gee, the virus has lowered taxes and gotten us a hand-out.
    7. Our capitalist rulers have for years tried to coach folks to become entrepreneurs and start their own businesses.  Now, the Mad Hatter twins have ordered most of them to close down.  It turns out, they say, that we only need a few stores.  Plus waiting in long lines keeps you occupied and out of trouble.  This is something the Mad Hatters learned from reading about life in the old Soviet Union.
    8. The homeless were a big problemo in the past.  The Mad Hatter twins let them sleep in tent cities underneath all the freeways.  Now, there’s plenty of money, compliments of Mr. Virus.  The homeless are being sent to refurbished hotels where they will live for free, and get free food to boot.  Does anyone blame the starving poor of the world who want to get in here for these good deals?  Better put barbed wire on top of that wall Mr. Trump.
    9. Toilet Paper companies used to spend a fortune advertising on TV to convince you to buy their brand.  Now they can’t produce it fast enough.  TP sells out immediately every day.  A dream come true for Charmin. No need for ANY more ads, and by the way, the TP companies can now stop this double layer nonsense and go to one-sheet paper, extra thin.  Rumor has it that the perforations will be the next to go.
    10. “Consumerism” is now on the road to obliteration.  Retail stores like Macys are going bankrupt.  Let’s face facts.  If the retail stores are closed then you won’t need any money to buy anything because there will be nothing to buy.  Our trade deficit with China will soon be headed in the right direction

Send us your own thoughts on this upside-down world and thank Mr. Virus for all the hand outs and free stuff we’re getting.  If only we could watch some baseball games now that we are always home, it might be considered a little bit of upside down paradise.

How Facebook is Killing Comedy

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Funny or Die Hit With Layoffs

An important article on comedy website Splitsider.com, analyses how Facebook is destroying comedy sites.  The article charges Facebook with running a “payola scam” and that they have re-invented the web by designing a “centrally designed internet” that serves to make profit for FB but there is actually no money for developers of content and the creative folks who are actually making funny content.  Below is a clip from this article, the link to read the entire article on Splitsider follows the clip:

Last month, in its second round of layoffs in as many years, comedy hub Funny or Die reportedly eliminated its entire editorial team following a trend of comedy websites scaling back, shutting down, or restructuring their business model away from original online content. 

Hours after CEO Mike Farah delivered the news via an internal memo, Matt Klinman took to Twitter, writing, “Mark Zuckerberg just walked into Funny or Die and laid off all my friends.” It was a strong sentiment for the longtime comedy creator, who started out at UCB and The Onion before launching Pitch, the Funny or Die-incubated joke-writing app, in 2017.

But Klinman explained in a thread: “There is simply no money in making comedy online anymore. Facebook has completely destroyed independent digital comedy and we need to fucking talk about it.”

We’re not sure about you, but that certainly piqued our interest. We sat down with Klinman to fucking talk about it (and just a note–these opinions are his, and he’s speaking for himself and not on behalf of Funny or Die).

So: What happened at Funny or Die?

Click Here to read the rest of this important story on Splitsider.com

Say What? No More Nudes in Playboy?

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Ed Murray Channels Al Goldstein Looking For Answers

by Ed Murray

Dateline: Holmby Hills

Hugh Hefner

Hugh Hefner

Please don’t say you aren’t shocked.  Playboy Magazine has announced a big make-over of the magazine, including the removal of pictures of nude ladies from the pages of the famous man’s mag.  These changes are set to take place in the March, 2016 issue.  Since Playboy began, it made its mark on society, and made founder Hugh Hefner a fortune.  The big thing that attracted a following over the years has been the nude centerfold.  If you think that millions of men bought the magazine just to read the articles, then you are seriously deluded.  The probable reason that Hefner put some articles and written material in the magazine was that he had to.  In the 1950’s publishing “porn” or magazines with only nudes was risky.  Various state and local authorities were prosecuting publishers for publishing magazines that “had no socially redeeming value.”  Hence the publishers covered themselves with news, fiction, fashion, or other articles.  Things are a little different now,  a lot of porn has moved to the internet or dvd rentals.

But I wanted to get to the bottom of the Playboy announcement.  The magazine has seen its circulation fall the last few years.  The magazine, always a little elitist, has failed to make big gains with a younger crowd, especially with working class and middle class men.  Totally removing the nudes from the magazine seemes like they are going in the wrong direction.  After all, if you want “good” articles, why not read Atlantic, or the New York Review of Books?

Al Goldstein

Al Goldstein

The one man who could give me answers to that is dead: porn publisher Al Goldstein.  He was the King for a while, publishing the sleazy, irreverent Screw magazine and running various other enterprises.  He was always in Court, fighting for freedom of speech and freedom of expression.  So I thought I would contact him on the other side.  Get some answers from the guy who knows what’s happening.

 

…Glass of wine…..

…(Self-Hypnotic Trance)…..

…glass of wine….

….Trance…Taking hold…..

Murray:  Hello, Al?  Al Goldstein?

Goldstein:  Yeah, I’m here.  How are ya, you old putz?

Murray:  OK, Al.  I hate to bother you, ….you must be busy or something.

Goldstein.  Yeah, but it’s not what you think, in fact not what anyone could ever think.

Murray:  What do you mean?  Like where are you now?  If you can say?

Goldstein:  Right now I’m down in the hot place, but actually the way things worked out I divide my time between the two places..

Murray:  Huh?  How’s that possible?  I’ve never heard of that before.

Goldstein:  Well, I got sent down here for a light sentence because of some bad things I did.

Murray:  You mean some of the Porn stuff?

Goldstein:  Naw, some other f*cking stuff.  So I have to spend four hours every day going to a beginner’s Sunday School.  And me a Jew.  I’m f*cking outraged.

Murray:  I imagine it could be worse, I mean sitting in a Sunday School class isn’t too bad, is it?

Goldstein:  It is if your sentence is 30,000 years of the sh*t.

Murray:  Well, what about the rest of the day?

Goldstein:  The other half of my time I work up top with the good guys.  It’s a big universe, and I’ve actually been appointed a kind of Porn Angel, so to speak.

Murray:  Porn Angel?

Goldstein:  Yeah, well there’s a lot of solar systems in the universe, a lot of planets and a lot of weird people.  Some of the races on other planets have declining populations, and they needed someone to spur them on, give ’em LUST, get them f*cking again.  I’m an expert on that, so they hired me.

Murray:  Wow.  Sounds like you are able to continue your career.

Goldstein:  Yeah, but the downside is that I can’t participate, you know, I don’t have a physical body anymore.  In fact, I’m not entirely sure who I’m working for at this job.  I’d give my left nut to have a dick again…..

Murray:  I see your point.  Hey, the reason for the call is about the new announcement from Playboy magazine.  Have you heard about it?

Goldstein:  Yeah, I hear about everything.  There’s always hordes of new jerks inbound here, we pick up rumors pretty fast.

Murray:  So what is it, Al?  Is the staff of Playboy all gay now?

Goldstein:  Naw, and those schmucks don’t have a creative drop of jizz in their bodies.  This decision is coming right from Hef.

Murray:  What?  Hef?

Feminist Dworkin

Feminist Dworkin

Goldstein:  Well, sort of.  Do you remember that radical feminist Andrea Dworkin from the 80s and 90s? She was a big fat woman

Murray:  Yeah, the anti-porn crusader.

Goldstein:  That’s the one.  Well, Hef is weak.  I mean the old f*ck is really weak.  When you get down like that, you’re susceptible to a walk-in.

 

Murray:  A walk-in?

Goldsteirn:  Yeah, that Andrea woman is a spirit now, she saw that Hef was weak, his defenses down, so she moved right into his body.

Murray:  Is that possible?

Goldstein: F*ckin right it’s possible.  She’s now Hef, controlling him.  She’s havin’ a f*ckin ball, makin’ him into a laughing stock, taking the nudes out of the mag.  He’s so weak that his last few girlfriends said that all he does at night is cuddle with his dog and watch old fifties movies.  He’s done.  And Andrea is getting her putrid rocks off,- getting her feminist revenge on all the men.  What a country….

Murray:  Al, I have to think about this, maybe with a sixpack.  This is depressing news.

Goldstein:  Well, Ed, as I have said many times, F*CK YOU, F*CK HEF, F*CK ANDREA, in fact,

F*CK EVERYBODY!  HOPE TO SEE ALL YOU JERKS REAL SOON!

Murray: Al, this time I really mean it:  Sorry I asked….

Goldstein:  Uh, yeah, gotto go, Sunday School class starting in a few minutes……

 

edmurray1955@aol.com

 

Summer Fun

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Have a Chuckle and Forget That Heat Rash

Summer Jokes from R.J. Johnson

 

– People in New York are paying $180 for a bird poop facial. Or they can just stand under a statue in Central Park for free.

– MTV is producing a reality show about a group of virgins who may or may not have sex. Or as we used to call that, Prom Night.

– Paula Dean turned down “Dancing With the Stars.” But she has a new show, “How I Met Yo Mama.”

– In London they found a 15 ton blob of congealed fat in a sewer pipe. Or as English cooks call that, the all-you-can-eat buffet.

– The guy and girl from the popular country group The Civil Wars broke up and they are so angry The Civil Wars aren’t even talking to each other. The really bad news? They’re starting a new group. The Vietnam.

– A man in South Africa saved his dog first before swimming back to save his wife after their yacht sank in the ocean. Actually, they have a name for married men who do that: Celibate.

– Mexico has gone ahead of the U.S. when it comes to having the most obese people in the world. And they’ve already declared a day of celebration: Sinko de Fatso

– Netflix has a new TV series called “Orange is the New Black.” Sounds more like a John Boehner rap album, doesn’t it?

– According to Variety, Apple is coming out with a device that will skip over TV commercials. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a bathroom, right?

– Liz Cheney is running for the Senate in Wyoming against another Republican named Sen. Michael Enzi. They’ve agreed to three debates, two press conferences and one hunting trip.

And finally…

– A man in Tennessee is suing Apple Computers.  He said the company causes a porn addiction, sexual arousal and drives men to prostitution. The good news for the guy? He’s now legally eligible to run for any office he wants in New York City.

 

Lift the June Gloom with jokes from R.J. Johnson

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June Gloom Be Gone

by R.J. Johnson

– There are now dating sites for Star Trek fans. Their favorite pick-up line? “Your parent’s basement or mine?”

– On the news, they said prisoners ask O.J. Simpson to negotiate problems between the prison gangs. And if there’s one guy who knows how to talk to a bunch of cut throats, it’s O.J. Simpson.

– Pres. Obama warned Americans that materials on the Internet can influence people to commit terrorist acts. And people on Craig’s List were shocked. “All the STDs aren’t bad enough? Now this?”

– ABC has a new series called “Mistresses.” I like the original title better: “Hawaii Five-Ho.”

And…

– Scientists say they’ve found the plant disease that caused the great potato famine in Ireland in 1845. And just in time.

Those people have got to be really hungry.

 

 

 

Jokes To Take Your Mind Off The IRS

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by R.J. Johnson

 

This is true. There’s a plan to open a restaurant in Somerville, Massachusetts where the meat, fish and all the other ingredients come from the nearby dumpsters.

1) We’ve had this cooking process for years. They’re called Hot Dogs, right?

2) It’s like day 6 on a Carnival Cruise ship.

3) It’s for those who think Home Town Buffet is way too ritzy

4) Instead of a doggy bag, you get a barf bag.

******************

A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested for shooting a deer with a rifle in a Walmart parking lot. But he had a good excuse. He was broke and he needed a little dough so he could eat.

The Associated Press will no longer use the phrase, “illegal immigrants.” Their new phrase? Walmart employees.

And finally….

 It was 40 years ago this week when a person made the first cell phone call. And you know the callers first words on the cell phone, don’t you? “Hi, I’m in a movie theatre! The other people won’t mind! Let’s chat.”

 

 

 

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Where The Funnymen Performed in Old Hollywood

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The-Three-Stooges-Hollywood-Filming-Locations-Cover-1024x792

TUESDAY, APRIL 23rd @ 7:30 pm @ the Larry Edmunds Bookshop-STOOGES!

A few years back I attended an evening at Hollywood Heritage w/ a Stoogephile from Philly named Jim Pauley doing a presentation on the film locations of the 3 Stooges. It was fantastic, and I began to bug Jim about why all his research and photos were not a book. Now they are! Behold, “The Three Stooges-Hollywood Film Locations”, a beautiful coffee book to take you to from the Columbia Ranch to the “Stooges steps” and all points in between. If that is not enough to entice you, we’ll have special guest Beverly Warren, who appears in the short, “Three Loan Wolves” which we’ll show and she’ll talk about working w/ the boys and she’ll be signing photos too! Slowly you should turn, step by step, and make your way to Larry Edmunds Bookshop next Tuesday for a night of Stooges.

Jeff, Larry Edmunds Bookshop

Watch “Three Loan Wolves” on youtube, click here.