Ed Murray Channels Al Goldstein Looking For Answers
by Ed Murray
Dateline: Holmby Hills
Please don’t say you aren’t shocked. Playboy Magazine has announced a big make-over of the magazine, including the removal of pictures of nude ladies from the pages of the famous man’s mag. These changes are set to take place in the March, 2016 issue. Since Playboy began, it made its mark on society, and made founder Hugh Hefner a fortune. The big thing that attracted a following over the years has been the nude centerfold. If you think that millions of men bought the magazine just to read the articles, then you are seriously deluded. The probable reason that Hefner put some articles and written material in the magazine was that he had to. In the 1950’s publishing “porn” or magazines with only nudes was risky. Various state and local authorities were prosecuting publishers for publishing magazines that “had no socially redeeming value.” Hence the publishers covered themselves with news, fiction, fashion, or other articles. Things are a little different now, a lot of porn has moved to the internet or dvd rentals.
But I wanted to get to the bottom of the Playboy announcement. The magazine has seen its circulation fall the last few years. The magazine, always a little elitist, has failed to make big gains with a younger crowd, especially with working class and middle class men. Totally removing the nudes from the magazine seemes like they are going in the wrong direction. After all, if you want “good” articles, why not read Atlantic, or the New York Review of Books?
The one man who could give me answers to that is dead: porn publisher Al Goldstein. He was the King for a while, publishing the sleazy, irreverent Screw magazine and running various other enterprises. He was always in Court, fighting for freedom of speech and freedom of expression. So I thought I would contact him on the other side. Get some answers from the guy who knows what’s happening.
…Glass of wine…..
…glass of wine….
Murray: Hello, Al? Al Goldstein?
Goldstein: Yeah, I’m here. How are ya, you old putz?
Murray: OK, Al. I hate to bother you, ….you must be busy or something.
Goldstein. Yeah, but it’s not what you think, in fact not what anyone could ever think.
Murray: What do you mean? Like where are you now? If you can say?
Goldstein: Right now I’m down in the hot place, but actually the way things worked out I divide my time between the two places..
Murray: Huh? How’s that possible? I’ve never heard of that before.
Goldstein: Well, I got sent down here for a light sentence because of some bad things I did.
Murray: You mean some of the Porn stuff?
Goldstein: Naw, some other f*cking stuff. So I have to spend four hours every day going to a beginner’s Sunday School. And me a Jew. I’m f*cking outraged.
Murray: I imagine it could be worse, I mean sitting in a Sunday School class isn’t too bad, is it?
Goldstein: It is if your sentence is 30,000 years of the sh*t.
Murray: Well, what about the rest of the day?
Goldstein: The other half of my time I work up top with the good guys. It’s a big universe, and I’ve actually been appointed a kind of Porn Angel, so to speak.
Murray: Porn Angel?
Goldstein: Yeah, well there’s a lot of solar systems in the universe, a lot of planets and a lot of weird people. Some of the races on other planets have declining populations, and they needed someone to spur them on, give ’em LUST, get them f*cking again. I’m an expert on that, so they hired me.
Murray: Wow. Sounds like you are able to continue your career.
Goldstein: Yeah, but the downside is that I can’t participate, you know, I don’t have a physical body anymore. In fact, I’m not entirely sure who I’m working for at this job. I’d give my left nut to have a dick again…..
Murray: I see your point. Hey, the reason for the call is about the new announcement from Playboy magazine. Have you heard about it?
Goldstein: Yeah, I hear about everything. There’s always hordes of new jerks inbound here, we pick up rumors pretty fast.
Murray: So what is it, Al? Is the staff of Playboy all gay now?
Goldstein: Naw, and those schmucks don’t have a creative drop of jizz in their bodies. This decision is coming right from Hef.
Murray: What? Hef?
Goldstein: Well, sort of. Do you remember that radical feminist Andrea Dworkin from the 80s and 90s? She was a big fat woman
Murray: Yeah, the anti-porn crusader.
Goldstein: That’s the one. Well, Hef is weak. I mean the old f*ck is really weak. When you get down like that, you’re susceptible to a walk-in.
Murray: A walk-in?
Goldsteirn: Yeah, that Andrea woman is a spirit now, she saw that Hef was weak, his defenses down, so she moved right into his body.
Murray: Is that possible?
Goldstein: F*ckin right it’s possible. She’s now Hef, controlling him. She’s havin’ a f*ckin ball, makin’ him into a laughing stock, taking the nudes out of the mag. He’s so weak that his last few girlfriends said that all he does at night is cuddle with his dog and watch old fifties movies. He’s done. And Andrea is getting her putrid rocks off,- getting her feminist revenge on all the men. What a country….
Murray: Al, I have to think about this, maybe with a sixpack. This is depressing news.
Goldstein: Well, Ed, as I have said many times, F*CK YOU, F*CK HEF, F*CK ANDREA, in fact,
F*CK EVERYBODY! HOPE TO SEE ALL YOU JERKS REAL SOON!
Murray: Al, this time I really mean it: Sorry I asked….
Goldstein: Uh, yeah, gotto go, Sunday School class starting in a few minutes……