Category Archives: Jokes

Swami Anaconda Answers the Question “Who Are We?”

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Q: Who are we?

IMGP0037_2A: Spirits—a.k.a. infinite consciousness–having a human experience.

Q: Why?

A: Why not?

Q: Please explain?

A: Explain what?

Q: The purpose of the experience?

A: Simple. The purpose of the experience is to experience.

Q: Then what?

A: Nothing. Everything. Whatever you choose.

Q: What is spirit?

A: That which is not your “meat suit” self.IMGP0001_2

Q: What is self?

A: The child of spirit. That which is egoic, in the learning phase with diapers on.

Q: What is their relationship to one another?

A: The spirit or soul self is who we are at our deepest, purest essence. It is the wise elder who gives birth to the baby self with smelly diapers, the 3D representation of who we are in order to learn through experiential devices.

Q: When does the learning phase take place?

A: When the child begins to question its experience. The soul is careful not to jump the gun and is in a constant state of patient availability.

Q: How do we learn?

A: Mainly through experiences put before us by spirit to enhance our awareness.

Q: What is real?

A: Whatever we perceive to be real. But at the same time we can choose not to accept anything as real. We can choose to live in truth and accept all things as pure illusion. Regardless, it is always impermanent, transitory.

Q: Is there a purpose to all of this?

A: Only if we choose to need a purpose.

Q: Are we all one?

A: It depends.IMGP0099

Q: On what?

A: Our perspective.

Q: Please explain?

A: We can look at the ocean and see one gigantic body of water. Or we can separate the droplets one by one.

Q: Is there a heaven and hell?

A: Yes and no. They are ephemeral constructs to subjugate the mind. You create your own reality. Therefore it is your choice whether or not they truly exist.

Q: Do we choose our experiences?

A: Absolutely!

Q: Then why do so many choose to focus on negative experiences?

A: Because.

Q: Because what?

A: I don’t know.

Q: Why don’t you know?

A: Because I choose not to.IMGP0001_2

And there you have it, Q & A with Swami Anaconda. Okay, time to go take an illusory pee…

 

 

Zingers

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By R.J. Johnson

A doctor in Brazil has been charged with killing hundreds of patients to free up beds at a hospital. It’s so bad, even our HMOs were yelling, “Stop it. Fifty maybe. But not hundreds.”

– The first airplane in over 30 years flew passengers from Egypt to Iran. Call me crazy but I’m betting the in-flight movie was not, “Schindler’s List.” Or “Diary of Anne Frank.”

– A man in Blairsville, Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly shooting a deer in a Walmart parking lot. His fine? A buck.

– Scientists have invented an implant that calls your smart phone when you’re about to have a heart attack. The reaction from Dick Cheney? “Finally!”

– Sean Penn’s son shoved a photographer. Where did he learn this wild behavior? I for one am shocked.

– In Kansas City, someone at a Conoco service station found a box with two eyeballs in it. Experts on the price of gas said it’s a sign that things are looking up.

And Finally…

– Did you see all the snow back East? It was so white in Washington, Republicans thought they’d gone back to the Reagan Years.

 

 

 

April Fool From R.J. Johnson

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Some April Ticklers

They found donkey meat in hamburgers in South Africa. Actually, you can buy them at a new fast-food place over there, Jackass in the Box.

– We just had St. Patrick’s Day. Jodi Arias got so excited she shot a leprechaun.

– Pres. Obama said when it comes to using drones, he’s no Dick Cheney. Sure, when Dick Cheney wants to hunt Americans he just uses his shotgun.

– Montana is working on a law that would let people take road kill home for dinner. You know the biggest complaint about eating road kill, don’t you? It tastes a little flat.

– Did you see the blizzard in Washington, DC? It’s so white, Republicans thought it was still the Reagan Years.

And Finally….

– This year, people ran the Los Angeles Marathon on St. Patrick’s Day. Or Sinko de Vomit as we like to call it.

 

 

Lookout Caesar! It’s March 15th!

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Caesar ides of marchThe Whole Roman Empire is Laughing at R.J. Johnson’s Ides of March Jokes!

– Pres. Obama said when it comes to drones, he’s no Dick Cheney. Sure, when Dick Cheney wants to shoot an American, he just takes him hunting.

– This month we have St. Patrick’s Day, Spring Break and March Madness all at the same time. We’re going to need a White House bailout just to clean up the vomit.

– H&R Block messed up 600,000 tax returns. And right away Wesley Snipes is yelling, “And they put me in jail?”

– The Chicago medical examiner’s office is posting photos of unclaimed dead bodies on their website so people can help identify them. It’s like eHarmony just cheaper to date.

And finally

– 6,000 dead bloated pigs have been found in a river in China. Or as they call that in North Korea:  soup.

 

 

Hey, It’s March, and….

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Time For Some New Mad Hatter Jokes

By R.J. Johnston

horsemeat

– The owner of a sandwich shop in Philadelphia is adding horse meat to his menu. The Filly Cheese Steak, if I’m not mistaken?

– You know what he uses to make a horse sandwich, don’t you? Thorough Bread.

– The CEO of Yahoo said all the employees had to show up for work in person. There’s no more working at home. The really bad part? They had to tell them on Google.

– I finally got a handle on this whole sequestration thing.

Look at it this way. The government is Lindsay Lohan and we’re the people who sold her car insurance.

– Everyone’s talking about the sequestration. There’s so many cuts, I thought Jodi Arias was dating again.

And finally…

– Donkey meat is showing up in hamburgers in South Africa. You know where they sell them, don’t you? Jackass in the Box.

 

 

Fun With Celebrities, Gas, and Fish

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 Jokes From R.J. Johnson

– An investigation has uncovered that Tiffany engagement rings sold at Costco are fake. And Kim Kardashian was very upset, “Where were these fake rings when I had my fake wedding? Hello?”

– The woman who inherited Jack-in-the-Box, gambled it all away on video poker. It’s so bad, he’s now Jack-in-the-Cardboard Box.

– O.J. Simpson had a Super Bowl party in prison. How’d you like to be on that guest list when O.J.’s cell gets too full and he says, “I have to cut a few people.”

– I love President’s Day. People celebrating their favorite ones like Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Trump. No wait, Trump just thinks he’s President. My mistake.-

My local gas station has a new slogan: Just give me your cash and no one gets hurt.

And fianlly..

– Experts in Sweden say the drugs that end up in our water supply can affect the fish. You’ve heard of cracked crab? Now we have crabs on crack.

 

 

February Cheer From R. J. Johnson

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– Senators are talking about the “Pathway to Citizenship.”

Or as people in Los Angeles call that, the San Diego Freeway.

 

– Did you see those 4,000 passengers on a Carnival Cruise ship with no drinking water? Talk about Marco Rubio’s worst nightmare.

 

– First, Iran sent a monkey into space. Now, it seems North Korea wants to send a dog into space. Not for research. The in-flight meal for their astronauts.

 

– The finance minister in Japan said elderly people should “hurry up and die” to save money on medical expenses. So, it sounds like they have HMOs over there, too.

 

– The police in Memphis found a meth cooker under the bed of a two-year-old girl. Or as they call that in Barstow, central heating.

 

And finally…

 

– According to TMz, OJ Simpson had a Super Bowl party in prison. There’s a guest list you don’t want to get cut from.

Inbound Jokes – Heads Up!

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More Laughs From R.J. Johnson

Man-Laughing1-197x300

– The Boeing Dreamliner has a new slogan: Is something burning?

– The flu is so bad, I saw Willie Nelson putting Sudafed in his bong water.

– It was so cold, people were flying the Boeing 787 Dreamliner just to feel the warm smoke filling up the cabin.

– Workers in Chicago found 18 human heads at O’Hare Airport. The good news? No fighting over the arm rest.

– Workers at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport found 18 human heads in a box. And they charged each one 10 bucks for a pillow.

– Workers at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport found 18 frozen human heads in a shipping box and their paper work was all messed up. You know why it was messed up, don’t you? They’re numb skulls.

 

 

The Jokes of January

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The Jokes of January

From R.J. Johnson

Man-Laughing1-197x300

– I saw “Beasts of the Southern Wild.” Not the movie.

The main ingredient in the McRib sandwich.

 

– In Maricopa, Arizona a three-year-old boy saved his mother’s life by waking her up during a fire at their home. Good luck trying to get this kid to go to bed at night. “Remember the flames that didn’t kill you? Hello?”

 

– Politicians are talking about minting a trillion dollar coin so they can continue to spend your tax money. The coin has a simple design. Heads you lose. Tails you lose.

 

– The symptoms of the flu are headaches, nausea, vomiting and telling people you want to just sleep and be left alone. Which is also what Hugh Hefner’s bride told him on their honeymoon, if I’m not mistaken.

And finally…

– KFC apologized to customers in China because of certain chemicals in their chickens that might be a health problem.

On the other hand, we’re still waiting for an apology from China for all that poisoned toothpaste and drywall they sent over here, so things kind of even out.