Category Archives: Jokes

Bazooka Blasts for September 22, 2012

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R.J. Johnson

–  The White House has a new slogan: Hope and Boy Did Things Change in the Middle East.
–  Weather experts say Death Valley is the hottest place on the entire planet.  The second hottest place?  Any American flag in the Middle East.
–  What a warm weekend.  It was hotter than a Lebanese KFC during a Death to America riot.
–  It’s so hot, people were trying to find Nemo just to take a cool  dip in the ocean.
– It was so hot in Arizona, even white people were sweating when the cops pulled ‘em over.
–  It was so hot in Egypt, American flags were burning by themselves.
–  It was so hot, the Royal family got naked and told photographers, “Take our picture.  Who cares?”
–  Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year.  And I got invited to a bad Jewish New Year’s Eve party by the President of Iran.
It’s BYOB.  Bring your own bomb.
 And finally….
–  Pres. Obama is ahead in a number of polls.  The bad news?  Norway called.  They want their Nobel Peace Prize back.

Explosive Jokes From September 10 Bazooka

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by R. J. Johnson

– You know the phrase, Justice is blind? Well, after watching Antonio Villaraigosa call for a vote, I’d say it’s deaf, too.

– Did you see Antonio Villaraigosa at the convention trying to get God back into their platform? Clint Eastwood ain’t looking so bad now, is he?

– Bill Clinton spent 50 minutes talking about what Obama has done during his first term as President. The last time Bill did this much explaining, Hillary got a Senate seat.

– In Thailand, the grandson of the man who created Red Bull was busted for leaving the scene of an accident. You know what the Red Bull grandson was charged with don’t you?

Hit and run and run and run and run and run…

– This weekend, a woman in Pennsylvania said a statue of a 400-pound gorilla had been stolen from her house. Turns out it was there all the time, but no one wanted to admit that a 400 pound gorilla was in the room.

– A group called The Voter Integrity Project said they found 30,000 names of dead people in North Carolina who are still registered to vote. Or as they call that in Chicago, a good start.

– The Democratic Convention had a prayer room and reporters said it was usually empty. Unless Joe Biden was speaking.

And finally….

– At 3:00am on Monday, we had an earthquake in Beverly Hills. It shook so much, husbands actually stopped having sex to go home and check on their wife.

 

 

 

Bazooka Pops for Labor Day

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Hey, it’s a Holiday week-end.  Sit back, relax, have a few laughs, here’s the Latest from R.J. Johnson!

 

1) According to Reuters, Vladimir Putin has 20 homes, 4 yachts, 58 planes & 700 cars. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, “A good start.”

 

4) Snooki’s baby already took his first steps…to a liquor store for cigarettes.

 

3) I’m not saying Snooki is a party girl but her delivery started when her wine broke.

 

4) Actually, experts said Clint Eastwood made a great point.

This is what Obama would sound like without his teleprompter.

 

 

5) The price of gas went up faster than Prince Harry’s pants when he had to meet the Queen.

 

 

2) The latest craze for girls is what they call Model Camp.

But model camp is not all work. At night, they sit around the camp fire roasting sticks.

 

 

4) Naked pictures of Prince Harry? Bad. Naked pictures of his stepmother Camilla Bowles? Criminal.

 

1) According to a new book called “Understanding Asexuality,” 1% of the population is asexual and they feel absolutely no sexual attraction to other people. Actually, they just had their big convention, Comic-Con.

 

I saw the film “The Odd Life of Timothy Green.” It’s where a couple buries a list of what they want in a child, it rains and the next morning a 10-year-old boy shows up at their door. It’s like if Angelina Jolie had a Chia Pet.

 

 

ABC has a new show called “666 Park Ave” where you can get everything you desire in New York for a price. Except a cab if you’re black.

 

 

1) I saw the film “The Odd Life of Timothy Green.” It’s where a couple writes a list of what they want in a child, they bury the list in their garden and the next morning a 10-year-old boy shows up at their door. Which is also how the Amish explain the facts of life, if I’m not mistaken.

 

 

3) Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan hired Clint Eastwood. Not to make a movie. To keep kids off their lawn while they’re on the campaign trail.

 

 

 

 

 

Joke Bombs of the Week

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R.J. Johnson

– It’s so hot, Mitt Romney said the sun burned up his old tax returns.

 

– The Obama slogan about looking at the future is, “Yes We Can.” Not to be confused with the Romney slogan about looking at his tax returns, “No You Can’t.”

 

– The Mars rover is called Curiosity and it’s sending photos you can see on your computer. Not to be confused with

a computer page called Bi-Curiosity. That’s a web site with photos about a whole different thing.

 

– Gold medalist Ryan Lochte is handsome. His mom said he likes one-night-stands. And he told reporters that he pees in the swimming pool. Olympics? Sounds more like “The Jersey Shore” to me.

 

– A nudist camp in Florida is holding a weekend bash to attract a younger crowd, like 18-30. Doesn’t Florida already have a big party every year to attract young nudists? It’s called Spring Break, right?

 

– I got an e-mail today from Joe Biden. The bad news?

It was a chain letter.

 

– The economy is so tough on health care, Joe Biden volunteered to be an appendix donor.

 

– According to the Associated Press, people in South Korea are eating dogs because they say it gives them the stamina to beat the heat. One side effect? They start panting and drooling when they’re out in the sun too long.

 

– This is so bad. U.S. judo competitor Nick Delpopolo was expelled from the Olympics after eating a brownie with marijuana. But he said he’ll be back in four years.

His new event? Thai-Stick Kwon Do.

 

– U.S. judo competitor Nick Delpopolo was expelled from the Olympic after eating a brownie containing marijuana. The really strange part? His first match was with Willie Nelson.

 

– A hearse driver in L.A. died while taking a body to a funeral home. The cause of death? Clogged ironies.

 

– You know Joe Biden’s least favorite song, don’t you?

“Chain of Fools.”

 

– Bill Gates is sponsoring a competition to reinvent the toilet. Didn’t he already do that? Wasn’t it called Windows 95?

Bazooka Bomb of the week from R.J. Johnson

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R.J. Johnson:

 

– Times are so tough, I saw people at Greenpeace selling Humpback Whale cookbooks.

 

– The temperature is 109 degrees in Arizona. It’s so hot, even white people are sweating when the cops pull ‘em over.

 

– The economy in Hollywood is so bad, the guy from “127 Hours” hiked in the desert & cut off his other arm just for a sequel.

 

– From Hollywood, where if you give a man enough hope, he’ll hang himself.

 

– Gotta go, this blog is more fun than head lice.

 

Google me. I need the attention.