Breakfast With Jesus Freaks<\/p>\n
by
\n“Five”<\/p>\n
\u00a0FADE IN:<\/p>\n
EXT. BEACHWOOD DRIVE \u2013 MORNING<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Two 20-something, casually-dressed young men, each carrying a bible, walk along the sidewalk and approach an apartment building. HENRY, short and stocky, pushes the doorbell button at the first apartment, but no sound emits as RYAN, tall and lanky, glances at his wristwatch.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Henry, do you hear anything?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
No.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Doorbell’s probably broken.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
I think you’re right, Ryan… And that’s why God<\/p>\n
gave us knuckles.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry KNOCKS on the door. They wait…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
What time is it?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Eleven-eleven.<\/p>\n
(checks his watch again)<\/p>\n
Yep, eleven-eleven.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry KNOCKS on the door again. They continue to wait…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Well, shall we scooter to the next sinner’s<\/p>\n
abode?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry puts his ear to the door… hears nothing.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Let’s do it!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As the two men walk away from the apartment, the door slowly opens. A disheveled and suspicious man’s head pokes out of the door. His name is MAXWELL, 60ish, a night person who enjoys sleeping in. Ryan and Henry stop dead in their tracks.<\/p>\n
2.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Why are you two guys waking me up this<\/p>\n
early? Do you realize it’s not even noon?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
(approaching slowly)<\/p>\n
Sir, we apologize.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Yes, we’re both very sorry. I hope you’ll<\/p>\n
accept our apology.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
That’s all well and good, but you haven’t<\/p>\n
answered either one of my questions.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The two bible pushers exchange an uneasy look at one another as the old man opens his door wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. He cocks his head in anticipation of an answer.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Well, sir, it’s a bit past eleven-eleven and<\/p>\n
we’re here to share the timeless gospel of<\/p>\n
Jesus Christ.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
(inches closer to the old man)<\/p>\n
Sir, have you been saved?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan follows his lead, inching closer to the man’s door.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Saved?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your<\/p>\n
personal savior?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
(a bit confused)<\/p>\n
What century is this?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
(looks at his watch)<\/p>\n
The twenty-first, sir.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The old man takes a deep breath and slowly exhales. He smiles at the two young men.<\/p>\n
3.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
That’s what I thought. I just had to make<\/p>\n
sure. I’ve been having these weird dreams<\/p>\n
lately and… forget it. Would you two like to<\/p>\n
join me for a hearty bowl of cereal? Cap ‘N<\/p>\n
Crunch or Count Chocula… Your choice?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan and Henry exchange another uneasy look.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
We’ve already had breakfast, sir.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan nods in agreement.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Oh really? What did you have?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
An egg McMuffin… sir.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Ahh, Mickey-Dees… Thank God and Mother<\/p>\n
Mary for them golden arches! What would<\/p>\n
this world be without them?<\/p>\n
(a rhetorical pause)<\/p>\n
How about something to drink then… O-J?<\/p>\n
Earl Grey? No coffee, though. Can’t stand<\/p>\n
the smell of it. And besides, I think it could<\/p>\n
very well be… The Devil’s brew! So, what<\/p>\n
do you say?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell scratches his privates, then opens the door wider to invite them in. Ryan shoots a quick nod at Henry.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Sure!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The two young men take a step forward. Maxwell holds up his hand and stops them in their tracks.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Wait! One condition: You two have to knock<\/p>\n
it off with that \u201cSir\u201d crap. My navy days are<\/p>\n
forty years behind me and as far as I know, I<\/p>\n
have yet to be knighted by Queen Lizardbreath,<\/p>\n
or whatever her name is. Deal?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry and Ryan both nod.<\/p>\n
4.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. MAXWELL’S APARTMENT<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As the old man leads his two guests, with bibles in hand, to the dining area.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Have a seat. I’ll be right back after I take<\/p>\n
care of a some urgent business.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry and Ryan take a seat at the table as Maxwell scurries to the bathroom to relieve himself. The two men look around at the unkempt surroundings. Among them are piles of dirty laundry, hundreds of books, magazines, empty beer cans, etc. On the walls are three disturbing, poster-size images: A closeup from the Zapruder film of the kill shot to JFK’s head, the famous picture of RFK lying on the floor of the Ambassador Hotel’s kitchen moments after his assassination, and a photo of the World Trade Center building and the gigantic fireball created by the second plane upon impact on 9\/11.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
(whispers)<\/p>\n
Henry, I think this guy might be one of those<\/p>\n
kooky conspiracy nuts.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
You think?…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A loud, but muffled series of FARTING NOISES is heard by the two men. They continue to speak in hushed tones.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Maybe we should split?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Why? Do you think he might be a serial<\/p>\n
killer?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Well… anything’s possible.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Nah, I don’t think so. He’s a little weird,<\/p>\n
but you’ve got to remember… This is<\/p>\n
Hollywood. Besides, Jesus is our divine<\/p>\n
protector. And you never know, we just<\/p>\n
might be able to convert this poor old man.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The muffled sound of the TOILET FLUSHES once, then twice.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I hope you’re right.<\/p>\n
5.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A moment later, Maxwell reappears wearing a pair of well-worn khakis and a T-shirt.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Fella’s, I’m feeling like Cap ‘N Crunch on<\/p>\n
this fine morning. By the way, I’m Maxwell.<\/p>\n
And don’t call me Max… or you’ll regret it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He gives them both the evil eye. They appear nervous, a bit scared and uncomfortable. Maxwell continues to stare them down with an imposing look of death and then… LAUGHS!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
You two need to lighten up. I’m just kidding<\/p>\n
with you.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
So you don’t mind if we call you Max?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Hell no! You can call me Gertrude if you<\/p>\n
want. Shit… Myrtle, Ruth, Donald Duck.<\/p>\n
I don’t give a fuck. What’s your names?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I’m Ryan and this is my partner in crime,<\/p>\n
Henry.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell shakes both of their hands. Ryan and Henry heed his advice and lighten up.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Nice to meet both of you. So… last chance<\/p>\n
for Cap ‘N Crunch. Unless you prefer Count<\/p>\n
Chocula. Hell, there might even be some<\/p>\n
Lucky Charms in there.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Maxwell, Max… do you have any chocolate<\/p>\n
milk?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
(with a big smile)<\/p>\n
I most certainly do! Don’t tell me… The<\/p>\n
Count with milk from a chocolate cow?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Yep! Might as well indulge, why not?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell pretends to write his order down on an imaginary pad as if he were a waitress. He then turns<\/p>\n
6.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
to Ryan and speaks with a woman’s voice in an over-the-top, exaggerated southern accent.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
And what can I get for you, Sugar Plumb?<\/p>\n
Would you like some grits and hash browns?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The two men crack up in LAUGHTER. Maxwell does a curtsy, then lets out a LAUGH.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
You’ll have to excuse my absurd sense of<\/p>\n
humor. It’s just getting harder and harder to<\/p>\n
take life seriously. What’ll it be, Ryan?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
What the heck. I’ll have what you’re having,<\/p>\n
Skipper.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Yes! In memory of the greatest seafarer who<\/p>\n
who ever sailed the seven seas… Cap ‘N Crunch<\/p>\n
it is. Be right back, gentlemen.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell heads to the kitchen to pour them all a bowl of cereal. Henry and Ryan exchange a look which translates to: This guy is super weird!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. MAXWELL’S KITCHEN<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As Maxwell sets three bowls on the counter, fills them with cereal, pours milk into the first two bowls, and chocolate milk into the third.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. DINING AREA<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As Maxwell returns with cereal for his guests and sets them down on the table next to their bibles.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
So, gentlemen. Which brand would Jesus<\/p>\n
choose?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
What do you mean?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
I’ll repeat myself, which I hate doing.<\/p>\n
(he speaks very slowly)<\/p>\n
What cereal brand do you imagine Jesus<\/p>\n
would choose?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
7.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan and Henry exchange a perplexed look before a lightbulb goes off in Ryan’s head. Maxwell sneaks off into the kitchen and returns a second later with his cereal and sits down.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Definitely Cheerios!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
I disagree. I think Jesus would choose<\/p>\n
Fruit Loops… without a doubt!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Blasphemous! I know from my very own<\/p>\n
research that Christ was a Cap ‘N Crunch<\/p>\n
kind of guy!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell smiles and scoops a spoonful of cereal and devours it. Henry and Ryan follow suit.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Well he definitely wouldn’t choose Count<\/p>\n
Chocula.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
And why is that?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
I don’t believe Christ would support<\/p>\n
vampirism in any shape or form.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell contemplates Henry’s response as he eats another spoonful.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I totally agree. Jesus would not choose<\/p>\n
Count Chocula and I believe that with<\/p>\n
all my heart.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry is about to have another spoonful of Count Chocula… but hesitates just inches away from his mouth. He puts the spoon back into the bowl. Maxwell gives him a scornful look.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
He’s right. Jesus was not a fan of<\/p>\n
vampires, dragons, werewolves, or<\/p>\n
any other form of demonic entities,<\/p>\n
period!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell chews another mouthful and sets his spoon down next to his bowl of cereal.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
8.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
You’re both wrong! Christ, rather the<\/p>\n
concept of Christianity, is nothing more<\/p>\n
than a form of vampirism. Why on earth<\/p>\n
would the priest say \u201cbody of Christ\u201d<\/p>\n
before shoving a waver down someone’s<\/p>\n
throat?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Both Henry and Ryan are stunned by Maxwell’s remark. They are unable to respond.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Hate to burst your bubble, but Christianity<\/p>\n
is nothing more than pagan sun worship<\/p>\n
creatively disguised to fool its followers<\/p>\n
into blind submission. You don’t think the<\/p>\n
chosen day of worship\u2014Sun-day\u2014is just<\/p>\n
a coincidence, do you? Simply put, religion<\/p>\n
is the astrotheological opiate of the masses…<\/p>\n
(imitating a sheep)<\/p>\n
B-A-A-A-A-A-A…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell picks up his spoon and scoops another mouthful of Cap ‘N Crunch.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
How can you say that?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Yeah, how can you just sit there and<\/p>\n
denigrate our Lord Jesus Christ?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
(chewing a mouthful)<\/p>\n
Actually it comes quite naturally. You<\/p>\n
see, I’m a truthsayer.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
What?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell swallows his cereal and speaks more clearly.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
I said I’m a truth-sayer. That translates<\/p>\n
into one who speaks the truth no matter<\/p>\n
how unpopular or controversial. How’s<\/p>\n
your Count Chocula?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell eats another spoonful of his cereal as the two men look on in total disbelief.<\/p>\n
9.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I believe you’re full of shit!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Ten minutes ago I would have agreed<\/p>\n
with you, but I just took a nice big<\/p>\n
dump.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
That’s not what he means. He believes,<\/p>\n
as do I, that you’re a lying sack of shit!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
And not only that, but you are completely<\/p>\n
misinformed!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Psychologically, I understand exactly<\/p>\n
what you’re both going through. A great<\/p>\n
German philosopher once said: Truth<\/p>\n
goes through three stages. First, it is<\/p>\n
ridiculed; second, it is violently opposed;<\/p>\n
and finally, it is accepted as self evident.<\/p>\n
It’s obvious that you two gentlemen are<\/p>\n
in stage one.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan SLAMS his fist down on the table in disgust.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
You do realize you’re going to burn in<\/p>\n
hell for eternity!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
(tauntingly)<\/p>\n
Burn baby burn!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry gets out of his chair and wields his spoon as if it were a knife, putting it in front of the Maxwell’s face in a threatening gesture.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
You’re lucky this isn’t a knife!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Yeah, asshole! You deserve to have<\/p>\n
your fuckin’ throat sliced open and<\/p>\n
bleed to death like a slutty whore!<\/p>\n
I hope you rot in hell, Max-fucker!<\/p>\n
10.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Completely unfazed, Maxwell eats another spoonful of cereal. He’s calm, cool, and collected…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Schopenhauer was right. Apparently<\/p>\n
you two gentlemen have quickly<\/p>\n
advanced to stage two. By the way, I<\/p>\n
do have a very large and very sharp<\/p>\n
knife. Would you care to borrow it?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry puts his spoon down and returns to his chair, staring at Maxwell in disbelief.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Are you fucking crazy?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
On the contrary. I’m one of the last<\/p>\n
bastions of true sanity left on this<\/p>\n
insane, out of control planet of ours.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I think you’re fucking nuts, dude!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
That doesn’t surprise me in the least.<\/p>\n
But you have to remember one thing:<\/p>\n
You two are the ones who believe in an<\/p>\n
invisible man who lives in the sky, who<\/p>\n
watches everything you do morning, day<\/p>\n
and night, and has given you a list of ten<\/p>\n
things which you are not supposed to do.<\/p>\n
And if you dare do any one of those ten<\/p>\n
things contrary to his will, he’ll send you<\/p>\n
to this special subterranean place full of<\/p>\n
fire and smoke and anguish and torture<\/p>\n
where you will have to burn and suffer<\/p>\n
and choke and scream forever and ever<\/p>\n
until the end of time… And at the same<\/p>\n
time this invisible, omniscient man who<\/p>\n
lives in sky, get this, loves you! He loves<\/p>\n
you… Now if you think I’m fucking nuts,<\/p>\n
perhaps you better rethink this and realize<\/p>\n
that just maybe I’m the sane one in this<\/p>\n
equation.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell gobbles up a couple spoonfuls of his cereal. Henry and Ryan slump back into their chairs to contemplate his latest rambling. Henry is the first to break the silence.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
11.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Let me get this right. So what you’re<\/p>\n
saying is\u2014you don’t believe in the<\/p>\n
Holy Bible?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Believe\u2014now there’s an interesting<\/p>\n
concept.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell gets up and walks over to his bookcase and withdraws a big red copy of Webster’s dictionary, and PLOPS it down on the dining table.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Who wants the honor?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He eyes the two men as they exchange an uneasy look.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Don’t be afraid. It’s only a freaking<\/p>\n
dictionary… Oh, that’s right. The<\/p>\n
Original G–<\/p>\n
(brackets his fingers)<\/p>\n
God!!–doesn’t want you reading from<\/p>\n
the Book of Knowledge. Geez, how on<\/p>\n
earth are you Christians ever supposed<\/p>\n
to learn anything?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell stares down Ryan then Henry, then back to Ryan. Ryan reaches for the dictionary and looks up the work \u201cbelieve.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
CLOSEUP\u2014DICTIONARY ENTRY \u201cBELIEVE\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN (O.S.)<\/p>\n
To take as true, real, et cetera; to<\/p>\n
suppose or think, to have religious<\/p>\n
faith…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Ahh, there’s another fantabulous word…<\/p>\n
Faith!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He grabs the dictionary from Ryan and turns to the word \u201cfaith.\u201d He reads the definition.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Unquestioning belief that does not<\/p>\n
require proof or evidence…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
12.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell SLAMS the dictionary closed.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Are you two aware that way back in<\/p>\n
the day\u2014I mean, way, waaaay back–<\/p>\n
people believed the earth to be flat…<\/p>\n
Just like a fucking pancake! Do either<\/p>\n
of you belong to the Flat Earth Society?<\/p>\n
Are you aware that our planet is a spinning<\/p>\n
orb? Are you familiar with the concept<\/p>\n
of gravity?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry and Ryan nod in unison like a pair of stunned zombies.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
So… you can see for yourself where a<\/p>\n
belief doesn’t exactly correlate to actual<\/p>\n
reality. Agreed?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
But–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
No buts, just answer the question?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
They remain in their state of muted zombiefication. Maxwell throws his arms up in feigned disgust.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Come on! Don’t tell me some cat has<\/p>\n
both of your tongues. I fucking hate cats<\/p>\n
and would never let one step a furry paw<\/p>\n
into my apartment. So, it’s not a matter<\/p>\n
of feline intervention… Perhaps a case<\/p>\n
of brain freeze. What’s wrong, fellas?<\/p>\n
Was the milk too cold?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry pushes his bowl away from him to gesture he’s had enough. He places his bible in front of him, cracks it open and begins to read.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
And the great dragon was thrown down,<\/p>\n
that ancient serpent who is called the<\/p>\n
devil and Satan, the deceiver of the<\/p>\n
whole world–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell holds up a hand, an abrupt gesture for him to stop reading.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
13.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Ooooo, the Devil, the great deceiver!<\/p>\n
Do you believe in the Boogieman as<\/p>\n
well? What about Santa Claus and the<\/p>\n
Tooth Fairy? Tread carefully… I’ve<\/p>\n
already demonstrated how a belief can<\/p>\n
stink up a room faster than a dozen<\/p>\n
barrels of fresh horse manure.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry shakes his head in defiance and disbelief, as Ryan reaches for his bible and clutches it as if it were a security blanket.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
What is it with you two? Why are you<\/p>\n
so afraid of the truth?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
What makes you think your twisted<\/p>\n
ramblings have anything to do with<\/p>\n
truth?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Yeah, you old codger! Who the hell<\/p>\n
are you anyway?!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell raises his bowl to his mouth and finishes the rest of his cereal. He now has a milky mustache.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
What if I told you I was Jesus Christ?<\/p>\n
Would you believe me?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Hell no!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Wait, are you Jesus?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Sure, kid. And I’ve got a seven foot<\/p>\n
wooden cross I’ll sell you for real<\/p>\n
cheap. How ’bout say… ten bucks?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
(to Henry)<\/p>\n
I think he’s pulling your leg.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
14.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Okay, guys. I can only deal with so<\/p>\n
much ignorance on any given day and<\/p>\n
you two are stretching the limit. I’m<\/p>\n
going to say this and I want you to pay<\/p>\n
close attention… okay?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Oh boy, here it comes. Captain Truth-<\/p>\n
Sayer to the res–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
(to Ryan)<\/p>\n
Shhhhh! I want to hear what he has to<\/p>\n
say.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell wipes away the milk mustache with the back of his hand. He stands up and paces next to the dining table. All four eyes are locked on him.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Because of religion, more humans have<\/p>\n
been murdered, tortured, maimed, hated<\/p>\n
and scorned, than for any other reason in<\/p>\n
the history of mankind. I kid you not,<\/p>\n
the story of Jesus and the crucifixion<\/p>\n
has been played out some sixteen times<\/p>\n
over the last ten thousand years. Go ahead,<\/p>\n
do your homework. You’ll find that aside<\/p>\n
from the bible, no other ancient scholars<\/p>\n
even mention the name Jesus Christ. Even<\/p>\n
those who were around during his time<\/p>\n
and–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The telephone RINGS…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Yeah, even those chroniclers who were–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
It RINGS again…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
I think I need to get this call.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And again it RINGS as Maxwell walks over to the cordless phone and picks it up.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Hello?<\/p>\n
15.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SEXY WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Good morning, lover. It’s me, Pussy Amour.<\/p>\n
How’s your morning wood? I bet you’re as<\/p>\n
hard as a big league baseball bat…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
(clears his throat)<\/p>\n
Hold on one second, Sugar Tits. I’ll be<\/p>\n
back faster than you can say premature<\/p>\n
ejaculation…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell covers the phone receiver with the palm of his hand and returns to the dining room.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Okay, guys. Party’s over!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Who’s calling?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
It’s my phone sex wake-up call<\/p>\n
service. Hate to be rude, but you<\/p>\n
two have to go… Pronto!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
But we haven’t finished our cereal–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Too bad! Get out of here, goddammit!<\/p>\n
Scram!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell ushers them out of the apartment and SLAMS the door behind them. He quickly takes off his khaki trousers and sits down on his lazy boy recliner. He then continues his telephone conversation with Pussy Amour.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Now where were we?…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SEXY VOICE (O.S.)<\/p>\n
You were telling me about your<\/p>\n
morning wood, Lover… Are you<\/p>\n
holding your baseball bat ready<\/p>\n
to hit a home run?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
FADE OUT.<\/p>\n
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\u00ad<\/p>\n
BREAKFAST WITH JESUS FREAKS<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
FADE IN:<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
EXT. BEACHWOOD DRIVE \u2013 MORNING<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Two 20-something, casually-dressed young men, each carrying a bible, walk along the sidewalk and approach an apartment building. HENRY, short and stocky, pushes the doorbell button at the first apartment, but no sound emits as RYAN, tall and lanky, glances at his wristwatch.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Henry, do you hear anything?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
No.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Doorbell’s probably broken.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
I think you’re right, Ryan… And that’s why God<\/p>\n
gave us knuckles.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry KNOCKS on the door. They wait…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
What time is it?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Eleven-eleven.<\/p>\n
(checks his watch again)<\/p>\n
Yep, eleven-eleven.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry KNOCKS on the door again. They continue to wait…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Well, shall we scooter to the next sinner’s<\/p>\n
abode?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry puts his ear to the door… hears nothing.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Let’s do it!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As the two men walk away from the apartment, the door slowly opens. A disheveled and suspicious man’s head pokes out of the door. His name is MAXWELL, 60ish, a night person who enjoys sleeping in. Ryan and Henry stop dead in their tracks.<\/p>\n
2.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Why are you two guys waking me up this<\/p>\n
early? Do you realize it’s not even noon?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
(approaching slowly)<\/p>\n
Sir, we apologize.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Yes, we’re both very sorry. I hope you’ll<\/p>\n
accept our apology.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
That’s all well and good, but you haven’t<\/p>\n
answered either one of my questions.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The two bible pushers exchange an uneasy look at one another as the old man opens his door wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. He cocks his head in anticipation of an answer.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Well, sir, it’s a bit past eleven-eleven and<\/p>\n
we’re here to share the timeless gospel of<\/p>\n
Jesus Christ.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
(inches closer to the old man)<\/p>\n
Sir, have you been saved?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan follows his lead, inching closer to the man’s door.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Saved?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your<\/p>\n
personal savior?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
(a bit confused)<\/p>\n
What century is this?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
(looks at his watch)<\/p>\n
The twenty-first, sir.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The old man takes a deep breath and slowly exhales. He smiles at the two young men.<\/p>\n
3.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
That’s what I thought. I just had to make<\/p>\n
sure. I’ve been having these weird dreams<\/p>\n
lately and… forget it. Would you two like to<\/p>\n
join me for a hearty bowl of cereal? Cap ‘N<\/p>\n
Crunch or Count Chocula… Your choice?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan and Henry exchange another uneasy look.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
We’ve already had breakfast, sir.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan nods in agreement.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Oh really? What did you have?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
An egg McMuffin… sir.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Ahh, Mickey-Dees… Thank God and Mother<\/p>\n
Mary for them golden arches! What would<\/p>\n
this world be without them?<\/p>\n
(a rhetorical pause)<\/p>\n
How about something to drink then… O-J?<\/p>\n
Earl Grey? No coffee, though. Can’t stand<\/p>\n
the smell of it. And besides, I think it could<\/p>\n
very well be… The Devil’s brew! So, what<\/p>\n
do you say?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell scratches his privates, then opens the door wider to invite them in. Ryan shoots a quick nod at Henry.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Sure!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The two young men take a step forward. Maxwell holds up his hand and stops them in their tracks.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Wait! One condition: You two have to knock<\/p>\n
it off with that \u201cSir\u201d crap. My navy days are<\/p>\n
forty years behind me and as far as I know, I<\/p>\n
have yet to be knighted by Queen Lizardbreath,<\/p>\n
or whatever her name is. Deal?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry and Ryan both nod.<\/p>\n
4.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. MAXWELL’S APARTMENT<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As the old man leads his two guests, with bibles in hand, to the dining area.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Have a seat. I’ll be right back after I take<\/p>\n
care of a some urgent business.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry and Ryan take a seat at the table as Maxwell scurries to the bathroom to relieve himself. The two men look around at the unkempt surroundings. Among them are piles of dirty laundry, hundreds of books, magazines, empty beer cans, etc. On the walls are three disturbing, poster-size images: A closeup from the Zapruder film of the kill shot to JFK’s head, the famous picture of RFK lying on the floor of the Ambassador Hotel’s kitchen moments after his assassination, and a photo of the World Trade Center building and the gigantic fireball created by the second plane upon impact on 9\/11.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
(whispers)<\/p>\n
Henry, I think this guy might be one of those<\/p>\n
kooky conspiracy nuts.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
You think?…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A loud, but muffled series of FARTING NOISES is heard by the two men. They continue to speak in hushed tones.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Maybe we should split?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Why? Do you think he might be a serial<\/p>\n
killer?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Well… anything’s possible.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Nah, I don’t think so. He’s a little weird,<\/p>\n
but you’ve got to remember… This is<\/p>\n
Hollywood. Besides, Jesus is our divine<\/p>\n
protector. And you never know, we just<\/p>\n
might be able to convert this poor old man.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The muffled sound of the TOILET FLUSHES once, then twice.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I hope you’re right.<\/p>\n
5.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A moment later, Maxwell reappears wearing a pair of well-worn khakis and a T-shirt.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Fella’s, I’m feeling like Cap ‘N Crunch on<\/p>\n
this fine morning. By the way, I’m Maxwell.<\/p>\n
And don’t call me Max… or you’ll regret it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He gives them both the evil eye. They appear nervous, a bit scared and uncomfortable. Maxwell continues to stare them down with an imposing look of death and then… LAUGHS!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
You two need to lighten up. I’m just kidding<\/p>\n
with you.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
So you don’t mind if we call you Max?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Hell no! You can call me Gertrude if you<\/p>\n
want. Shit… Myrtle, Ruth, Donald Duck.<\/p>\n
I don’t give a fuck. What’s your names?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I’m Ryan and this is my partner in crime,<\/p>\n
Henry.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell shakes both of their hands. Ryan and Henry heed his advice and lighten up.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Nice to meet both of you. So… last chance<\/p>\n
for Cap ‘N Crunch. Unless you prefer Count<\/p>\n
Chocula. Hell, there might even be some<\/p>\n
Lucky Charms in there.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Maxwell, Max… do you have any chocolate<\/p>\n
milk?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
(with a big smile)<\/p>\n
I most certainly do! Don’t tell me… The<\/p>\n
Count with milk from a chocolate cow?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Yep! Might as well indulge, why not?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell pretends to write his order down on an imaginary pad as if he were a waitress. He then turns<\/p>\n
6.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
to Ryan and speaks with a woman’s voice in an over-the-top, exaggerated southern accent.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
And what can I get for you, Sugar Plumb?<\/p>\n
Would you like some grits and hash browns?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The two men crack up in LAUGHTER. Maxwell does a curtsy, then lets out a LAUGH.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
You’ll have to excuse my absurd sense of<\/p>\n
humor. It’s just getting harder and harder to<\/p>\n
take life seriously. What’ll it be, Ryan?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
What the heck. I’ll have what you’re having,<\/p>\n
Skipper.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Yes! In memory of the greatest seafarer who<\/p>\n
who ever sailed the seven seas… Cap ‘N Crunch<\/p>\n
it is. Be right back, gentlemen.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell heads to the kitchen to pour them all a bowl of cereal. Henry and Ryan exchange a look which translates to: This guy is super weird!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. MAXWELL’S KITCHEN<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As Maxwell sets three bowls on the counter, fills them with cereal, pours milk into the first two bowls, and chocolate milk into the third.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. DINING AREA<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
As Maxwell returns with cereal for his guests and sets them down on the table next to their bibles.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
So, gentlemen. Which brand would Jesus<\/p>\n
choose?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
What do you mean?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
I’ll repeat myself, which I hate doing.<\/p>\n
(he speaks very slowly)<\/p>\n
What cereal brand do you imagine Jesus<\/p>\n
would choose?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
7.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan and Henry exchange a perplexed look before a lightbulb goes off in Ryan’s head. Maxwell sneaks off into the kitchen and returns a second later with his cereal and sits down.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Definitely Cheerios!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
I disagree. I think Jesus would choose<\/p>\n
Fruit Loops… without a doubt!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Blasphemous! I know from my very own<\/p>\n
research that Christ was a Cap ‘N Crunch<\/p>\n
kind of guy!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell smiles and scoops a spoonful of cereal and devours it. Henry and Ryan follow suit.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Well he definitely wouldn’t choose Count<\/p>\n
Chocula.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
And why is that?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
I don’t believe Christ would support<\/p>\n
vampirism in any shape or form.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell contemplates Henry’s response as he eats another spoonful.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I totally agree. Jesus would not choose<\/p>\n
Count Chocula and I believe that with<\/p>\n
all my heart.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry is about to have another spoonful of Count Chocula… but hesitates just inches away from his mouth. He puts the spoon back into the bowl. Maxwell gives him a scornful look.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
He’s right. Jesus was not a fan of<\/p>\n
vampires, dragons, werewolves, or<\/p>\n
any other form of demonic entities,<\/p>\n
period!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell chews another mouthful and sets his spoon down next to his bowl of cereal.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
8.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
You’re both wrong! Christ, rather the<\/p>\n
concept of Christianity, is nothing more<\/p>\n
than a form of vampirism. Why on earth<\/p>\n
would the priest say \u201cbody of Christ\u201d<\/p>\n
before shoving a waver down someone’s<\/p>\n
throat?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Both Henry and Ryan are stunned by Maxwell’s remark. They are unable to respond.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Hate to burst your bubble, but Christianity<\/p>\n
is nothing more than pagan sun worship<\/p>\n
creatively disguised to fool its followers<\/p>\n
into blind submission. You don’t think the<\/p>\n
chosen day of worship\u2014Sun-day\u2014is just<\/p>\n
a coincidence, do you? Simply put, religion<\/p>\n
is the astrotheological opiate of the masses…<\/p>\n
(imitating a sheep)<\/p>\n
B-A-A-A-A-A-A…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell picks up his spoon and scoops another mouthful of Cap ‘N Crunch.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
How can you say that?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Yeah, how can you just sit there and<\/p>\n
denigrate our Lord Jesus Christ?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
(chewing a mouthful)<\/p>\n
Actually it comes quite naturally. You<\/p>\n
see, I’m a truthsayer.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
What?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell swallows his cereal and speaks more clearly.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
I said I’m a truth-sayer. That translates<\/p>\n
into one who speaks the truth no matter<\/p>\n
how unpopular or controversial. How’s<\/p>\n
your Count Chocula?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell eats another spoonful of his cereal as the two men look on in total disbelief.<\/p>\n
9.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I believe you’re full of shit!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Ten minutes ago I would have agreed<\/p>\n
with you, but I just took a nice big<\/p>\n
dump.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
That’s not what he means. He believes,<\/p>\n
as do I, that you’re a lying sack of shit!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
And not only that, but you are completely<\/p>\n
misinformed!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Psychologically, I understand exactly<\/p>\n
what you’re both going through. A great<\/p>\n
German philosopher once said: Truth<\/p>\n
goes through three stages. First, it is<\/p>\n
ridiculed; second, it is violently opposed;<\/p>\n
and finally, it is accepted as self evident.<\/p>\n
It’s obvious that you two gentlemen are<\/p>\n
in stage one.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ryan SLAMS his fist down on the table in disgust.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
You do realize you’re going to burn in<\/p>\n
hell for eternity!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
(tauntingly)<\/p>\n
Burn baby burn!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry gets out of his chair and wields his spoon as if it were a knife, putting it in front of the Maxwell’s face in a threatening gesture.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
You’re lucky this isn’t a knife!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Yeah, asshole! You deserve to have<\/p>\n
your fuckin’ throat sliced open and<\/p>\n
bleed to death like a slutty whore!<\/p>\n
I hope you rot in hell, Max-fucker!<\/p>\n
10.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Completely unfazed, Maxwell eats another spoonful of cereal. He’s calm, cool, and collected…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Schopenhauer was right. Apparently<\/p>\n
you two gentlemen have quickly<\/p>\n
advanced to stage two. By the way, I<\/p>\n
do have a very large and very sharp<\/p>\n
knife. Would you care to borrow it?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry puts his spoon down and returns to his chair, staring at Maxwell in disbelief.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Are you fucking crazy?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
On the contrary. I’m one of the last<\/p>\n
bastions of true sanity left on this<\/p>\n
insane, out of control planet of ours.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
I think you’re fucking nuts, dude!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
That doesn’t surprise me in the least.<\/p>\n
But you have to remember one thing:<\/p>\n
You two are the ones who believe in an<\/p>\n
invisible man who lives in the sky, who<\/p>\n
watches everything you do morning, day<\/p>\n
and night, and has given you a list of ten<\/p>\n
things which you are not supposed to do.<\/p>\n
And if you dare do any one of those ten<\/p>\n
things contrary to his will, he’ll send you<\/p>\n
to this special subterranean place full of<\/p>\n
fire and smoke and anguish and torture<\/p>\n
where you will have to burn and suffer<\/p>\n
and choke and scream forever and ever<\/p>\n
until the end of time… And at the same<\/p>\n
time this invisible, omniscient man who<\/p>\n
lives in sky, get this, loves you! He loves<\/p>\n
you… Now if you think I’m fucking nuts,<\/p>\n
perhaps you better rethink this and realize<\/p>\n
that just maybe I’m the sane one in this<\/p>\n
equation.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell gobbles up a couple spoonfuls of his cereal. Henry and Ryan slump back into their chairs to contemplate his latest rambling. Henry is the first to break the silence.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
11.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Let me get this right. So what you’re<\/p>\n
saying is\u2014you don’t believe in the<\/p>\n
Holy Bible?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Believe\u2014now there’s an interesting<\/p>\n
concept.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell gets up and walks over to his bookcase and withdraws a big red copy of Webster’s dictionary, and PLOPS it down on the dining table.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Who wants the honor?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He eyes the two men as they exchange an uneasy look.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Don’t be afraid. It’s only a freaking<\/p>\n
dictionary… Oh, that’s right. The<\/p>\n
Original G–<\/p>\n
(brackets his fingers)<\/p>\n
God!!–doesn’t want you reading from<\/p>\n
the Book of Knowledge. Geez, how on<\/p>\n
earth are you Christians ever supposed<\/p>\n
to learn anything?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell stares down Ryan then Henry, then back to Ryan. Ryan reaches for the dictionary and looks up the work \u201cbelieve.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
CLOSEUP\u2014DICTIONARY ENTRY \u201cBELIEVE\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN (O.S.)<\/p>\n
To take as true, real, et cetera; to<\/p>\n
suppose or think, to have religious<\/p>\n
faith…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Ahh, there’s another fantabulous word…<\/p>\n
Faith!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He grabs the dictionary from Ryan and turns to the word \u201cfaith.\u201d He reads the definition.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Unquestioning belief that does not<\/p>\n
require proof or evidence…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
12.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell SLAMS the dictionary closed.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Are you two aware that way back in<\/p>\n
the day\u2014I mean, way, waaaay back–<\/p>\n
people believed the earth to be flat…<\/p>\n
Just like a fucking pancake! Do either<\/p>\n
of you belong to the Flat Earth Society?<\/p>\n
Are you aware that our planet is a spinning<\/p>\n
orb? Are you familiar with the concept<\/p>\n
of gravity?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry and Ryan nod in unison like a pair of stunned zombies.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
So… you can see for yourself where a<\/p>\n
belief doesn’t exactly correlate to actual<\/p>\n
reality. Agreed?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
But–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
No buts, just answer the question?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
They remain in their state of muted zombiefication. Maxwell throws his arms up in feigned disgust.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Come on! Don’t tell me some cat has<\/p>\n
both of your tongues. I fucking hate cats<\/p>\n
and would never let one step a furry paw<\/p>\n
into my apartment. So, it’s not a matter<\/p>\n
of feline intervention… Perhaps a case<\/p>\n
of brain freeze. What’s wrong, fellas?<\/p>\n
Was the milk too cold?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry pushes his bowl away from him to gesture he’s had enough. He places his bible in front of him, cracks it open and begins to read.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
And the great dragon was thrown down,<\/p>\n
that ancient serpent who is called the<\/p>\n
devil and Satan, the deceiver of the<\/p>\n
whole world–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell holds up a hand, an abrupt gesture for him to stop reading.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
13.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Ooooo, the Devil, the great deceiver!<\/p>\n
Do you believe in the Boogieman as<\/p>\n
well? What about Santa Claus and the<\/p>\n
Tooth Fairy? Tread carefully… I’ve<\/p>\n
already demonstrated how a belief can<\/p>\n
stink up a room faster than a dozen<\/p>\n
barrels of fresh horse manure.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Henry shakes his head in defiance and disbelief, as Ryan reaches for his bible and clutches it as if it were a security blanket.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
What is it with you two? Why are you<\/p>\n
so afraid of the truth?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
What makes you think your twisted<\/p>\n
ramblings have anything to do with<\/p>\n
truth?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Yeah, you old codger! Who the hell<\/p>\n
are you anyway?!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell raises his bowl to his mouth and finishes the rest of his cereal. He now has a milky mustache.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
What if I told you I was Jesus Christ?<\/p>\n
Would you believe me?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Hell no!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Wait, are you Jesus?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Sure, kid. And I’ve got a seven foot<\/p>\n
wooden cross I’ll sell you for real<\/p>\n
cheap. How ’bout say… ten bucks?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
(to Henry)<\/p>\n
I think he’s pulling your leg.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
14.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Okay, guys. I can only deal with so<\/p>\n
much ignorance on any given day and<\/p>\n
you two are stretching the limit. I’m<\/p>\n
going to say this and I want you to pay<\/p>\n
close attention… okay?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
Oh boy, here it comes. Captain Truth-<\/p>\n
Sayer to the res–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
(to Ryan)<\/p>\n
Shhhhh! I want to hear what he has to<\/p>\n
say.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell wipes away the milk mustache with the back of his hand. He stands up and paces next to the dining table. All four eyes are locked on him.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Because of religion, more humans have<\/p>\n
been murdered, tortured, maimed, hated<\/p>\n
and scorned, than for any other reason in<\/p>\n
the history of mankind. I kid you not,<\/p>\n
the story of Jesus and the crucifixion<\/p>\n
has been played out some sixteen times<\/p>\n
over the last ten thousand years. Go ahead,<\/p>\n
do your homework. You’ll find that aside<\/p>\n
from the bible, no other ancient scholars<\/p>\n
even mention the name Jesus Christ. Even<\/p>\n
those who were around during his time<\/p>\n
and–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The telephone RINGS…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Yeah, even those chroniclers who were–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
It RINGS again…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
I think I need to get this call.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And again it RINGS as Maxwell walks over to the cordless phone and picks it up.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Hello?<\/p>\n
15.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SEXY WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Good morning, lover. It’s me, Pussy Amour.<\/p>\n
How’s your morning wood? I bet you’re as<\/p>\n
hard as a big league baseball bat…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
(clears his throat)<\/p>\n
Hold on one second, Sugar Tits. I’ll be<\/p>\n
back faster than you can say premature<\/p>\n
ejaculation…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell covers the phone receiver with the palm of his hand and returns to the dining room.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Okay, guys. Party’s over!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
HENRY<\/p>\n
Who’s calling?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
It’s my phone sex wake-up call<\/p>\n
service. Hate to be rude, but you<\/p>\n
two have to go… Pronto!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
RYAN<\/p>\n
But we haven’t finished our cereal–<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Too bad! Get out of here, goddammit!<\/p>\n
Scram!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Maxwell ushers them out of the apartment and SLAMS the door behind them. He quickly takes off his khaki trousers and sits down on his lazy boy recliner. He then continues his telephone conversation with Pussy Amour.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MAXWELL<\/p>\n
Now where were we?…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
SEXY VOICE (O.S.)<\/p>\n
You were telling me about your<\/p>\n
morning wood, Lover… Are you<\/p>\n
holding your baseball bat ready<\/p>\n
to hit a home run?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
FADE OUT.<\/p>\n
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Breakfast With Jesus Freaks by “Five” \u00a0FADE IN: EXT. BEACHWOOD DRIVE \u2013 MORNING Two 20-something, casually-dressed young men, each carrying a bible, walk along the sidewalk and approach an apartment building. HENRY, short and stocky, pushes the doorbell button … Continue reading